Hi, my mum was diagnosed with leukaemia, march 2015, the consultant announced it to my mum sister and i, on the ward, in front of my 5 & 10 years old girls. Shock isnt in it, we were told mum would be gone by the June, she was an incredibly fit and healthy 80 year old, so active and young looking she was amazing. Dad went into denial so my sisters and i were on hand all the time but apart from some weight loss and energy loss mum was amazing, believed in the power of prayer and regularly told the doctors they weren't god (their faces were a picture). Mum attended weddings, my open day and all sorts and time crept on, it was living on eggshells all the time as she celebrated her 81st birthday in the august, met her new grandson in September...the consultants were amazed and kept saying she shouldn't be alive still. Finally on October district nurses showed up for the first time, had a long chat with mum, were amazed that she could get out of bed, walk around etc, and told mum and us that they would come every day to help her have a wash etc and that she had plenty of time to decide on a hospice or home in the future, and kept offering pain meds but mum said she was fine with paracetamol. They had a chat with us later and said how great she is and they would come every day and see how it all goes. That evening i went with my girls and mum was hugging and chatting and playing with them, when i was leaving she said can you do something for me, i said of course what do you want, mum said, pray for a quick death for me and take care of dad. I was stunned and devastated as she been so stoic and cheerful throughout it all. The next day dad took my youngest to a party for me (he liked to feel useful!), I went round to my parents house to find my sister (a nurse) in the kitchen crying and she said she's gone. It was such a shock, the district nurses were shocked, and because the notes they'd written the day before said she was so good, the police had to be called, then paramedics, it was a circus. All my brother's and sister's started to arrive with their children. In a way, it was lovely, i feel like mum decided to go before this horrendous disease really made her incapacitated, we'd been told she would essentially drown in the end, or bleed internally and all kinds of nasty things. And being with my sister, who had also been with my brother when he died at 16 nearly 30 years ago, mum always felt safe with her being a nurse.  Mum was also adamant there would be no hospice despite constant pressure from the doctor's the minute she was diagnosed. In a way it was comforting to have mum still peaceful and at home for about 8 hours, we could all go and spend time with her which wouldn't have happened in a hospice. Anyway, i cried for a few weeks but then i started to feel like she was a stranger, to the point where i didn't really think about her, i felt really uncomfortable about it, but lately, 8 months later im feel like im going crazy, i cant be bothered doing the smallest thing, and my mood is up and down, i get wound up and then verbally lash out, i can cry at the slightest thing, it was my birthday a few days ago and i couldn't care less, i went through the motions for the kids sake but it was just another day to me. My youngest is devastated by grandma's loss, carries a photo everywhere, snuggles with grandma's fleece jacket every night, she has had time with the 'prayer lady' at school. But its my mood swings that bother me, is it grief kicking in?