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Feelings after death

xxamandaxx
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I posted as a new member a month or so back about my dad unfortunately he died on the 25th of June we have held his funeral but it doesn't feel real even though we have been expecting it for a few weeks. It's like it's not happened and feels like just haven't visited for a few days even tho I was there when he died and know it's real does this happen often n when does it sink in I feel so bad as I haven't crumbled yet or think it hasn't hit me.any advice welcome thank you

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    Hi Amanda,

    I think lots of people deal with it in different ways, or to put it another way, bereavement affects people in different ways.  But I can empathsize with feelings of 'did it really happen'?.  At my dads funeral earlier this year I was very raw but was also very numb, and either unaccepting or without understanding of what was going on at the time.  I think this meant it was difficult for memory cells to properly store the events and feelings of that day.  I know a funeral happened but it doesn't feel personal, and I can't connect it to dad emotionally.  It 'feels' like it was someone elses funeral, not dads.

    For a while I also had to remind myself of what had happened over the month containing his passing and his funeral.  I think it is down to the battle of trying to accept something you really don't want to accept, whilst at the same time not having 'firmed in' memories of those moments during a time of such rawness.

    Certainly don't feel that you are not bereaving enough, or use number of tears as a measure of how much you cared for dad.  I think you know how much you cared for him, worried for him and I'm sure he knew it too and that's what is important.  There are no definite time periods of when things will sink in, you may never feel a definitive moment of it happening, you can only let bereavement take its natural course.

    All the best.

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    Hi there, please accept my sincere condolences on the death of your Dad. From what you said in your post, I guess his death is the first loss of a family member for you. When you said that, it brought back memories for me of when my Dad died from cancer. His was the first in my family and like you, I walked around in a fog a lot of the time too. I was married with my own young family back then, so life had to go on. I felt like you as well that it didn't feel real. Even when I sat my kids down to try and explain to them about their grandad dying, I was still in disbelief. What made it even more weird, I was the one who helped my Mom look after him, i.e. taking him in for his medical treatments and staying with him when she had to be away from their home. This was over a period of 5 months before he died, and still it was a shock. It did take me a long time to come to terms with it. At this time in my life, I have lost so many family members, relatives, and close friends, mainly to cancer, that I've learned that grieving is normal and necessary, but it is still very hard. Now, I have cancer and will be facing my own death at some point, I hope not too soon, but the reality is, it will happen. So, I have come full circle. Even though you likely were expecting your Dad to die from his disease, its' still a shock when it happens, especially when its' the first death in a family. Be patient with yourself and give yourself time to grieve the loss of your Dad. I'm sure your Mom and the rest of your family are also having a difficult time with this loss. Support and comfort one another while you heal. It will get less difficult with time.

    Take care.

    Lorraine     

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    Hello xxamandaxx,

    I remember when you posted a month ago and I am sorry to hear your dad passed away. Our sincere condolences from the Cancer Chat team. I am glad you have received some lovely responses from our members and hope that you can comfort one another after suffering such a big loss. The feelings you describe are perfectly normal and it is not uncommon to feel numb and shocked. You can read more about the grieving process here.

    I hope coming to this forum will help you a little and that you will get to talk to others here who have also lost a loved one, whether this happened recently or a while ago. 

    Best wishes,

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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