Hi all, I lost my Dad aged 73 to Lung Cancer last Thursday, and daily life since has been unbearable. He'd been diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer back in April, and was told it was incurable because of it's spread and where it was etc. He was given a 50/50 chance of lasting between 6 and 12 months, so we knew at the start where this journey was headed and after a time my Father had accepted his lot and wasn't afraid to die. Even so, he was relatively free of pain at the time (which baffled the consultants as apparently he should have been in a lot more pain than what he was in) and could lead a fairly normal life. He went to Radiotherapy, an deveioped some back pain soon after which the Doctors and Consultants were throwing various tablets at him. His back pain increased, an his breathing worsened and would regularly have to go an lie down as this was the only position that would alleviate the pain. Even so, he could still get about and his appetite was good and could chat etc.
Last Sunday night he was fine, but Monday morning he was a different person and over the next couple of days he declined greatly. He eventually stopped passing water, an this caused a build up in the Morphene he had been taking in his system which basically zonked him out (Also found out later the naproxen he was taking wrecked his kidneys). So the doctor came out, then the paramedics to try an reverse the effects of the morphene. Nearly 24hrs later with him in hospital he finally passed peacefully in his sleep, as i think his body couldnt take anymore strain. He never fully regained consciousness, so was never able to say goodbye (though the Cancer did bring our family close together, and he knew how much we loved him). I do feel cheated out of time, an I felt the fact that both doctors and consultants were basically throwing tablets at my Dad helped lead to his downfall sooner than it should of been. An by the end he was suffering more through the damage the tablets caused than the cancer, though cause of death they still put down that it was his cancer. They said it was possible it could of spread overnight an that he had an infection on his chest we didnt know about, but i'm sensing BS. However this is all semantics now, he's gone...
An since coming home to which now feels like a strangers house, my life feels very surreal. Evey little thing is setting me off, an memories good, bad or indifferent are painful. Having conversations with my family about him doesn't seem right, that he hasn't actually gone, an I expect him to come in waving his cup saying he wants some Tea. Dealing with the funeral is crushing me, an that is a week Friday to which I don't know how i'm going to make it through. I saw my Dad everyday, we were close...even closer after the Cancer. Waking up an for that split micro second thinking everything is normal, then to have reality come crashing down is sickening. I have chest pains, an at times my heart beats like a grand national winner...I assume this is all down to anxiety, I have no energy, nor will to get myself out of bed in the morning just wishing the world would swallow me up. I'm supposed to go back in to work in a few days, but the thought of that is just depressing me more. I should be supporting my Mum but it's more like the other way round at the moment as all I do is cry an mope, and this is making me feel even more guilty as she's lost her husband of 40odd years.
I realise my Dad was 73, and not exactly young and I myself am 38 an hardly a kid anymore who needs his Dad to tuck him in at night, but the pain and grief is made no easier to bare by that fact. Reading other peoples posts, and saying that months/years on an pain is still unbearable is making me dread the future. I know people say time heals all which is cliche to hell, but i'm calling *** and that the majority of people who say that haven't been through what we have. Time cannot make you forget your parents, or take the pain away. Reminders are there everyday for me to see. I realise it's not barely a week yet since his death and I don't want to appear dramatic (maybe too late for that) but I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to believe there will be light at the end of this very dark tunnel. I know my Dad wouldn't want me to be miserable and enjoy my life, it just feels impossible with him not being a part of it.
Apologies for the long ramble an no doubt spelling mistakes. If you made it to the end of this...thank you for your time.
