So, after 12 months of caring and 3 months of sorting out the estate I am heading back to Australia....without my Mum.

After everything was paid out, after all our expenses, myself and my partner are £30k worse off. The recruitment process is slow there. I'd expect us to lose another £15k getting ourselves getting set up again. 

I did all the caring, the funeral, the tidying up of everything. Some people, mostly family say just give it all away. Ship over her dog or give it to a shelter, give away all yours and Mum's possessions to charity, you'll feel lighter they say. My sister said get the government to cremate her, who needs a service, just hire out a room. You might save yourself some money. 

Why is it that people are quick to advise or offer help in your life, as long as you don't interfere in theirs. They offer support on so many levels, but deliver nothing. Or when you question their rationale they walk away either offended, or to leave it to you. They won't interfere they say. 

They guess at the emotional and financial impact. Look lost when you tell them you need a break and question why you cannot just get on with it. I haven't even had time to grieve, to deal with what I went through and yet, I'm just meant to start again. Start again without my best friend and my Mum. 

The plan was for Mum to move over. With what little she had and we had we'd get a deposit and a home. We'd be able to start a family, Mum would look after our child. Now, that dream is gone. It was my only goal in life. Their is no chance we can do this now, we cannot afford it, the childcare would cripple us, never mind the mortgage. 

So, I'm curious. When does karma get involved? I'm honoured and proud of this journey, but what now...when does it end? 

My sister wanted to put her in a hospice. Because she already had a mortgage and kids that I was the flexible one. She's grateful, of course, but not enough to contribute a single penny. At five years younger it is my fault that I am not in her position, why should she jeopardise hers? Even though it was Mum that enabled it. 

I did a stress test the other day. I'm close to a breakdown apparently. I should seek the support of those around me, take a break and have time to recover. But what if life just has to go on, but without your dreams? 

I know people have it worse, but that's now what grief is about. It's your own journey. After all, we are all allowed to feel sorry for ourselves, no rule that says only the unluckiest person and saddest story can feel agrieved at life. That we have to wait our turn, be next in line before we are up to bat and have great big balls of crap thrown at us. 

This isn't even half of it. The full story is far sadder, heartbreaking even. 

If only cancer was like it was in the movies. Everyone helping, a family home, a happy ending or a peaceful passing with treasured words....not a coma, preceded by agonising pain. 

Of course, only a few of us are there at the end. Unable to cope, treasuring memories whilst conveniently their commitments keep them from coming, from loving even. As you break the news to teary eyes, they are not their to hold them, to experience their despair, that in death, they are denied life, love and goodbyes. Their hearts sink, depressed, they take it out on you. As you fight on they might call, worried that they didn't get their update. 

I'm broken. I'm lost. I'm bored of playing the game.