Hello,

My Dad was diagnosed with multiple myeloma when I was just 2 and my sister was almost 1. After a couple of bone marrow transplants he was able to go into remission for a couple of years and continue his work and looking after my sister and I. However, after some relapses he had to leave his job and stayed home; it was also difficult for us to go on family holidays and as his immune system became so weak it became a worry whenever any of us got a cold as for him it could be much worse. But he was a brave, amazing person and didn't let his pain show and was the best Dad ever. But just this year he relapsed a fourth time and treatment options were limited. He spent a few weeks in hospital and then returned home only to have to back a few weeks later. His back had fractured due to the cancer and the hospital fixed it too late so it was causing him a lot of pain and he never had the second operation he needed in the end. The hospital were trying to get him onto a clinical trial and he did manage to get on one, but the trial didn't arrive on time and when it did his condition was worse so he no longer qualified for it. We were told that this was the only option left unless we wanted to spend £10,000 per cycle on another trial drug that might not even work because they don't offer it to relapsed patients for free. He was given a few weeks to live but only lasted 10 days. I watched him choking on his own lung fluid for days on end until he eventually passed away with all of the family around him on 27th April.

I am absolutely devastated - it was such a shock and we had so many plans for the year, we were going to go out for a meal and he was super excited to get his new BBQ for his 51st birthday and he never got to use it. I am only 16 and right in the middle of my GCSEs which makes it harder as he will not be there to see me complete them. My Mum is also broken, she lost her Mum at age 24 and now at age 48 she's lost her husband. My sister hasn't cried much yet and keeps having panic attacks and I'm really worried about her. I feel like I have a lot of responsibility to look after everyone and stay brave and its so hard, I just want to talk to my Dad again. He was such a kind amazing person and we had such deep conversations and he was always so proud of my sister and I - I can't believe that I will never see him again. 

Sorry for the long message but I have to let everything out and I just want to talk to someone who isn't my family and see if anyone has any advice for how to cope. I miss my Daddy so much.