Today was the day I received the call I had been dreading. It was my Dad, to tell me my 60 year old mother had finally lost her battle with lung cancer.

I first became aware something was wrong back in early-mid march when my dad said something along the lines of 'there is something I need to tell you about mum...she is not well at all. A shadow has been found on her lung she is going in for a cet scan'

Now I thought never having smoked she couldn't possibly have lung cancer. She has always been so well never having had a day off work and loved walking. (She also had a,soft spot for sheep and llamas)

A week or two later we went on holiday together to the isle of wight. She had had the scan but results were not through yet and we were often trying to get reception so she could contact the hospital all compounded by the junior doctors strike.
I noticed her appetite was going and she could not walk as much  I found out today from my dad she wept on a bench as she was getting sombreathless. I am crying now as I type this

But it was a lovely holiday, at the time I did not believe it would be my last with her...

We got back to the mainland and I drove her to hospital as her scan was through, I still kept optimistic. I watched my dad and my mum go into hospital. I then drove her in very early the next morning to hospital again oblivious as to what was going in but becoming more worried. I then drove my mum to work, my dad with me. I still remember my mummstepping out the car for her last day at work, she looked so beautiful with a yellow flower on her jacket. She loved her job. And she was so grateful to me for the drive to hosptial. Always so thankful for everything even though it was little bother.  

My dad took me to tesco. He had something to say, He said it. My world changed forever. She had terminal lung cancer, a virulent strain that had spread to her bones. Yet in february she walked normally. It all seemed so sudden so unreal. It still does  I wept and could barely face going home and wept some more but never infront of my mum. I was going to tell her how much I loved her and a whole host of things. Instead over the coming weeks I hugged her and that spoke louder than words, or she smiled at me from a bench. I have never been over emotive. I could not bring myself to say goodbye.

Over the coming weeks I would take her out every weekend in my car to garden centres across the south of england raising money for macmillan nurses. We visited so many and the weather was perfect. Many lovely evenings shared and I would stop by a sheep field especially for her. Even now she worried that others would think it selfish of her to take up a seat... So selfless. She would look with sadness at all the old folk happily walking around while she was going at sixty...


She decided not to go for kimo. The steroids brought her hunger back briefly.  


Last sunday things changed. She could no longer eat downstairs with me. Apologising to me. Every act made her breathless even brushing her teeth. By now she was wafer thin and her legs bent when she walked her skin yellow.

It was so sorrowful. But even last sunday I managed to get her in the car and drove to the trundle above chichester where you have an amazing view. But once the car stopped she got breathless so we drove around. Her guiding me with maps.m a great map reader and so clever! Even as she was dying she helped my dad with his french.

As I am on an intensive training course I and my mum felt it best I continue as normal. On sunday I left rather hurridly which I now regret. I always believed she would be there the next week hope against hope...


And I miss her so badly I want her back but she is gone gone sorry