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Losing my dad

jen48
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Hi everyone,

 

I lost my dad to lung cancer just under 2 months ago. It's just me and my mum now, but we live a 4 hour drive away from each other. We decided after a few weeks we both have to start our lives again and readjust, but every day I feel guilty because I am living with my partner who I love and my mum is in the house alone. She has a great support network where she is and we talk all the time, before during and after work, but I know the nights are so hard for her.

I was the "strong one" when my dad died... complications I won't go into meant he died suddenly at home, with me trying to help him until paramedics arrived and I saw them try to save him. I saw things we've been told we shouldn't have had to deal with and it has affected me probably more than I want to show. But I am stronger than my mum so I took care of everything for her and tried to only deal with my grief when I knew she was at least a little better. Most of the time I'm OK, I miss him and I get very sad as expected, it's horrible but I can force myself to remember how much I love him and he loves me and it helps. Although I still cry every time I remember my dad won't see me get married, meet his grandkids or read my first paper (he was so proud of my job, we were very similar). A card I got says 'you lost your dad but have gained a guardian angel' and I always try to think of it that way, and I think that would make him happy. But i get flashbacks randomly which are very hard to deal with. This leads to panic attacks etc which I've decided to see a doctor about. My partner has been amazing, he helps me when I have my 'moments', but I feel like I need to talk to someone in the same place as I am, and maybe let the strong guard down that I have. My mum doesn't know about this, and she does not need the extra strain right now.

How does everyone else cope? Does anyone else live far from family? Does anyone have any advice on how I can help my mum from so far away? I have been driving over to see her and ringing her and skyping her. Does anyone else get flashbacks too?

Or, if anyone just wants to talk in general, that would be good too :)

 

Thanks

  • Offline

    Hi jen48,

    So sorry to hear about the loss of your father. We lost my dad 8 months ago to cancer of unknown primary. It was very quick 2 weeks and 3 days from diagnosis to dad's death so we struggled with shock as well as grief.

    I live a 9 hour drive away from my mum and brother and this has been difficult but my mum and I have started writing to each other again like we used to when I was at uni. Not emails but proper letters/notes/postcards and that has really helped us both feel like we are still able to support each other, sometimes it is easier to write what you are really thinking. Also important to make time for phone calls, never sure if we'll just have a quick catch up chat or a long talk about dad and the lovely memories we have. My brother has been great but he sufffers from mental health issues so like you I found myself playing the role of 'strong one' for a while but after 8 months everyone is finding their own way, mum certainly still has lonely days and plenty of saddness but she is involving herself in an active social life and has wonderful friends who keep her company. She is getting to know how to navigate the computer so hopefuly before long we will be able to Skype to keep in touch too. I will of course be visiting her when I can and those visits are precious and give us both strength.

    I too had moments of panic for a while and have sought bereavement counselling which has really worked for me, perhaps something you could investigate?

    Take care of yourself just now and let others take care of you too.

     

  • Offline in reply to trina10

    Hi 

    I lost my husband of unknown primary cancer, he was given the diagnosis on a Tuesday and passed away on the Saturday so quick and the shock with grief is overwhelming.

    He had secondary liver cancer and I still can't believe that they didn't know where the primary cancer was.

    One blessing is that he didn't suffer and didn't have to go through the awful treatment that makes cancer patients so I'll. 

     

    Sending lots if of love to you xx

  • Offline in reply to trina10

    Hi Trina10

    Sorry to hear about your dad and how quick it all happened for you all. It's good to hear you're all finding your way!

    Letters sound like a great idea! I might try that with my mum too, thank you for the great advice! Skype is great for me and my mum, it's nice to talk face to face even though we're far apart. My mum wasn't too good with computers too, but my dad bought her a tablet a couple of years ago and I set it up for her... and now she is never off it!!!!! I'm sure you're mum will be skyping you in no time :)

    Yesterday I finally rang my local Cruse centre and am waiting to hear back now about counselling, but I also saw my doctor who is going to keep an eye on me in the mean time as my panic attacks have gotten more severe at their worst . The random flashbacks feel like torture. I never realised how much it can affect you physically too.

    Thank you for your reply. Take care of yourself!

     

    Jen xx

  • Offline in reply to maxnip

    Hi Maxnip,

    I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and how sudden it all was for you.

    Although we knew my dad had terminal cancer, we all thought he and more time, and his death was sudden and a shock. Until we had the post mortem I was losing my mind thinking it was my fault, because I had been taking care of him and doing his meds because we had no help. It wasn't of course but the shock of it all can make youre mind wander. The shock can take a while to go away, but it will eventually with time. I just rang my local Cruse centre yesterday which deal with bereavement counselling, perhaps this could help you too?

    I hope you have a good support network around you and are managing to find your way through the grief. It's so hard, but with support and time I have full faith things get easier to cope with, even if you miss them just as much.

    Don't forget it's OK to be sad when yore sad and it's OK to be happy when you're happy. I know soemtimes you feel guilty when you are finally having a good day, because you miss them and want them there too. But try to remember, they would want you to be happy and are willing you to be strong.

     

    Please take care of yourself, and we're always here to chat  :)

    Jen Xxx

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