Yesterday, about 6 months on from her death, we went and scattered my wife's ashes and I thought I'd share some thoughts with you all.
Melanie had asked for her ashes to be scattered at white horse hill in Oxfordshire where we'd occasionally gone walking. It's an Iron age fort and the white horse cut into the cliff is a famous image. It is delicate though and I decided to do this at Dragon hill instead which is a large cut off hill at the foot of the horse. Legend has it that St. George killed the dragon there and the chalk patch where no grass grows is where the dragons blood was spilt. It also has the advantage of having steps cut into it which meant that my mother was going to be able to get up there with us.
It was a brief but thoughtful occasion, my son took a handfull of ashes as did my mother and I but my daughter just shook her head, not really able to talk.
The crematorium ashes are funny aren't they, some of it is fine light dust like wood ash that blows away on the breeze but there are a lot of small heavier particles that fall and which mingled with the chalk and who knows the dragon blood.
Half a year on now I still find myself occasionally forgetting and thinking that I'll ask this or discuss that with Melanie when I get home before I remember. I wonder if I'll ever go through a day without thinking of her, without remembering - probably not.
It occurs to me that the greatest loss is the shared culture. The memories, that only the two of you shared, conversations, experiences, jokes, little shared behaviours. You have the memory of them all but there's nobody to share them with anymore. There's no one to say - do you remember this or that? or to enjoy a further development of a shared joke. It's not shared anymore it's the things that tied you together now one of you has gone those things are just limply attached to you.
I guess theyll fade without reinforcement and other things,other behaviours cultures will take their place. In the weeks that followed her death I found myself reliving that last week thinking "three weeks ago we were at the consultants talking to that guy in the waiting room about lasers" or we were in the ambulance or I was up all night, her last night. I think that stopped after about 14 or 15 weeks - a sign of healing.
I do start to wonder if continuing to be on this forum is a help or hindrance at first it was very healing but it is a real double edged sword as it is a constant reminder of what happened - for now I hope I am doing enough good here and there for it to be worth while but I may quietly slip away in a month or two before it becomes an addiction.
I don't know if anyone's followed this ramble through a mildly deranged mind if you got this far well done and thank you for listening
