On Sunday 13th of March we arrived at the hospital and mum was still with us and aware of her surroundings. She was asking for my brother and our wives, she wanted Steve there with Dad and I, and Paula and Mandy to be there for us both. I truly believe that is what she was waiting for…

When Steve and Paula arrived, when we had all said hello and she noted that we were all present she said her final words…

“My boys, oh my beautiful boys…” you could hear her voice ringing across the ward. The pride in her voice was evident, the knowledge that she was surrounded by those who loved her most, giving her the strength to tell the world of her most treasured accomplishment. Mum sighed then, her job done, and then slipped into sleep, a sleep that took her to another place a short time later.

I cannot get this image out of my head, those words will not leave me.... I want to curl up and die,i am totally bereft.

My mum and I did not always see eye to eye as children (she raised my brother and I as my father was in the army and away a lot) Over the years we became so very very close. I always told her i loved her every time we met (3-5 times a week). 5 years ago she went onto dyalisis and things started to go downhill. Three visits to the hospital each and every week for a half day at a time put paid to a normal life. Then one year ago she was diagnosed with small cell cancer of the lungs.

We almost lost her to Chemo twice as her body was not strong but she battled through. Ten days ago she had a small cut on one toe, that cut got infected and 10 days later the infection carried her off as the Chemo has destroyed her immune system and she could not fight it.

I'm 50 years old, and i keep crying like a baby at the slightest mention of her, anything about her or any mention of her. I don't know how to deal with it.

I have never experience loss in the family before where the person was so close. Every thought i have returns to the last hours in hospital where she was screaming in pain from the infection when her morphine ran out. her final minutes were heart rending.

I do not know how to handle the feelings flowing through me, all I see when I close my eyes is mums body on the bed, eyes closed, mouth open and chest still.