I just wanted to welcome you to Cancer Chat and say how sorry we are to hear you lost your mum. It seems like you are reliving everything that happened and remembering it all very vividly in your head. Coming here and talking to others who have also lost a loved one will help you feel a little less alone. So I will let them come and share their thoughts and their own experiences with you.
Our thoughts are with you and your family in this most difficult time.
I know I know it's easy to say but it's a really common thing when we lose someone we love we replay all those painful memories thinking of how we could have done things differently and how it could have had a better outcome but the truth of the matter is that there is very rarely much we could have done that would have made a significant impact - you say about whether you passed something to her - maybe you did maybe not but it sounds as if she had a pretty compromised immune system and hospitals are full of sick people so the chances are it wasn't you and even if it was there would have been little you could do.
As for the experimental drugs when my wife ran out of treatment options we looked at trials at the Royal Marsden, her blood figures weren't good enough but they were straight with us and told us that on their trials only about 10% of people actually got benefit from the trial - of course we were down to drugs with 15% effectiveness at that point so "you pays your money you takes your choice!!"
My wife knew she was entering her last phase I think before anybody else really admitted it and you'd be surprised how many people on here have similar stories. It sounds as if you are regretting not being there when she died but if it was anything like my wife's passing she just slipped unconcious with the pain relief and never really gained conciousness I was there as it happens but she wouldn't have known and it sounds as if she had a peaceful passing - not everybody is that fortunate.
Sadly advanced lung cancer is still not a survivable diagnosis and while smoking is a big cause it can be triggered by exposure to other things or can just happen from a random mutation - we often wonder why? we're so ingrained thinking that things must have a cause a reason that we find it almost impossible to grasp that sometimes there just isn't, sometimes it's just chance
Have you just had the funeral? this time immediately after is about the hardest time I found when everybody has been and made a big fuss and then gone back to their lives and left you with a big hole in yours. It will get better, slowly but it will, you'll think about it a bit less every month and yes you will feel like you've lost a part of yourself and like that you may never feel exactly the same but it will become more bearable with time
Talking about it helped me - I talked about it a lot - I still do especially on here (sorry guys) each retelling makes it just that bit easier to tell. At first there were bits like her last hours that I felt unable to tell but in time those too came out and it became easier.
So stay on the forum - especially now at this lowest point - there will usually be someone who will tell you that it will be OK when that's all you need to hear and maybe in a bit of time you'll be telling other people how you got over your grief and the things that helped you
Hi I have jut read your post and can only pass on words that I have heard and any understanding that I have actually experienced. My husband passed just before Christmas and was alert and aware fo everything happening to his body but at times I think he chose to ignore the signs that were staring him in the face until the very end. He too was offered new drugs but these take time to actually start to work and even more time to provide real evidence that anything is happening, good or bad, so the doctors have a really hard time answering what are really impossible questions, how long, is it working? Looking back I can clearly see the 'signs' but I too chose to ignore them, hoping beyond anything that he would just 'get better'. Try not to be angry, or feel guilty, it is a wasted emotion, and give yourself a hug, a break, this is a dreadful time and you need to be as nice to yourself as you possibly can! None of this is anyone's fault, no one can forsee when another will pass away and certainly any answer to that question is purely personal, I am convinced that my husband timed his passing so as to cause as little pain as possible, waiting until his children were not present to go, his way of leaving with dignity perhaps. Dont worry about not having said those words or even spoken to her, sometimes just being there is what is needed and wanted, and all the words were said when she was with you, somewhere in your heart you know that. The funeral, this is your opportunity to share her with anyone and everyone, that this person was so loved and treasured, it will be sad but there will also be such a deep sense of peace and somewhere pride that you were able to have a part in the her life, and she a huge part of yours, the love you shared is still there and will give you strength, there will be many tears. Life is full of what if's but know that you did your best and do not give in to the what ifs look forward to the happy memories, dont worry about work, it will still be there tomorrow. Take one day, one moment at a time and allow yourself to feel what you feel it is your bodys way of healing itself and balance will come back when you are ready, until then be kind to yourself.
Hi Graham, your post sounds so lovely, full of compassion and empathy and more important , hope. I have not reached that point yet but understand that we are all passing through monumental emotional stages of grief, don't like any of them but reading peoples responses to other peoples needs is helpful, sort of not on my own kind of thing. It seems that we are better at helping others than ourselves-thank you Graham I take great heart from your words.
Yes Tagrisso was actually Licensed in the US last November and in the UK/Europe in February.
They were getting a 61% response rate which is pretty good for people in this position - towards the end of my wife's cancer we were looking at drugs with a 15% response!
But that's really less than 2/3rds so I don't think you should feel cheated - there is a bit of an effect where people want to talk about how well they are doing on a drug whereas people who aren't doing so well don't tend to want to talk about it so it's easy to think things are better than they are.
I'm sorry that you didn't get to be with her at the end - I didn't make it to my father's either and felt a bit guilty about that but when my wife went she'd been unconcious a long time so even though I was there I know she was completely unaware of it - I'm pretty sure it would have been the same.
My kids are 21 and 22 and I know how hard it has been for them but 6 months on they're doing fine and I'm sure you will too
