Cancer Research UK main site

Losing both parents

Cindy10
Offline

Hi I am all new to this, just thought I'd express a few feelings, 3 years ago I lost my father to liver cancer, this was quiet u expected as he was quiet a healthy man, olives 12 hours away I got the call to say he was in a coma, drove home and as I walked into the hospital he opened his eyes looked at me and was gone just like that, my dad was ready when he went i can now tel that after the experience with my mum,

2 weeks ago mum lost her battle with lung cancer that had spread to the brain, this is where they found it... Mum was a alcoholic and smoker a lot and refused to see Drs so we knew the day  she saw one would be bad news, my mum wasn't ready to go but knew she was dying. 2 days before she passed I'm pretty sure and she also finally accepted some pain relief I think maybe morphone she told the nurses not to tell her kids., mum was tough never admitted she was in pain.. A week before she passed she fell over in a car park at a shopping centre.. Mum said it felt like she broke her back, the next day they finally did a X-ray but wasn't until 6 days later  the same day she passed that they said she had fractured her back meanwhile the nurses forcing her to try and use her weight when getting up and down, by this stage her legs had given way to her... The night she passed was a little u expected. Was my partner and I there with her,. This is the events of that night that I can't get out of my head.

I walked into the hospital and she said Cindy I'm dying you need to prepare yourself... Anyway throughout the next 2 hours they gave her one of those  pouches with the slow release  morphine and stuff and also one or 2 injections or morphine , I believe this is what ended her life, not an overdose but relaxed her enough to let go, however she was holding my partners hand, she knew who we were and for 2 hours she kept saying no no no, N O means no.. Maybe this was her saying I'm not ready I don't know      .. She also asked the time a few times not sure why but the next day which was only 3 hours away was my brothers birthday, anyway she was holding my partners hand and she said no no Mario and my partner said Cindy her hand just let go I went to look at her, her eyes rolled in back of her head , her mouth was looking like she needed air and she took about 3 breaths and was gone, the part that haunts me was, was she gone when her hand let go, did her heart stop?, when her eyes rolled back was she aware she was dying, was the breathes just her air leaving the body... She died as she was talking and this is how I know she wasn't ready but she obviously knew as she hadn't told us much that she was dying not in the way she did that night sorry about grammar and typing it won't show me what I'm writing on my phone 

 

 

 

  • Offline

    Hi Cindy

    Welcome to Cancer Chat.

    I hope you find it helpful to write down your feelings about the loss of your mum and your dad.

    We have some information here about coping with grief which may be useful to you now.

    There are many members here coming to terms with the loss of their loved ones so they will understand how you are feeling now.

    Best wishes

    Jane

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Jane

    Thank you Jane, I coped quiet well with my dad but with mum it was just the way she went that's bothering me

  • Offline in reply to Cindy10

    Hi Cindy

    Thank you for sharing some very painful memories I know how much describing these things in such detail can bring them back and the pain associated with that

    My wife died from her cancer last October and the land hours of her life definitely haunt me - I think that these are moments you don't forget and they are some of the most painful scars you carry with you.

    I've said before that we talk endlessly about the mechanics of Birth and sex but never about death - it's the last taboo so I really didn't know what to expect - but I went and asked the palliative team and they were really great in helping me to know what to expect - how her breathing would become irratic and how she could develop twiches or convulsions - she didn't - just at the very end, I'm guessing it was her heart stopping.

    We were lucky in that she had quite an easy passing - we'd had 3 years of knowing she was fighting a loosing battle and a couple of months when the chemo options had run dry. So when she started to get symptoms and strong pain I think she guessed her time was running short.

    Her blood pressure was so low that the machines couldn't measure it and the morphine syringe driver was keeping her pain free but making the situation worse in the end when I realised that it was a one way street I made the decision and got them to stop the antibiotics that were just prolonging it.

    That's a decision I hope you never have to make but I know it's what she would have wanted so I'm pleased I had the guts.

    The tears are coming now again just remembering this - they always do 

    She was incredibly brave in facing what she must have known were her last hours and I know that we can't all be - sounds like your father was simililarly - I only hope when my time comes I will be as strong.

    Melanie's brother died 6 weeks earlire from his cancer - he was less lucky and from all accounts he had quite a bit of pain and a passing more like your mothers.

    I know how disturbing that these memories can be and I also know how much your mind drags you back to them - almost the way your tonge seeks out a bad tooth despite the way you know it will hurt you still prod it. I have no idea why but it's also as if your mind is determinded to stick the knife in and upset you as much as it can.

    Start by realising that it is now done - there is nothing that you can do to change it she is not in any pain and that dwelling on these memories only causes you pain.

    Then decide that you will put them out of your mind - at least until enough time has gone by to dull the pain.

    Find strategies - things that you an get up and do when you find yourself thinking of her final hours - whether it is a job that needs doing, walking the dog, going to the gym or simply a set of happy memories you can recall instead.

    Then it's just a matter of being strict with yourself and not let that part of your mind jump out on you - it'll be hard at first but with practice you'll manage to put it out of your thoughts and just recall her with love and affection

  • Offline in reply to GrahamM

    Thank you graham for the reply, just opening up on here has helped and what you wrote has also helped thank you heaps I am also sorry about your wife's passing 

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.