Last year I got engaged to the most amazing man ever on feb 6th. I was on top of the world dreaming about the wedding and dad walking me down the aisle. the amazing feeling was short lived when a week or so later dad was in hospital and diagnosed with lung cancer. my world just shattered into pieces and fear took all over my life.
I live in UK but he is was back in Colombia, over 5000 miles away, at least 12 hours flight. I went to see him just after he had the tumor removed, when i arrived i was so shocked to see him so poorly, not his usual self frail, weak, sad. but we celebrated his 69th birthday and he smiled away and i had hope that all was gonna be ok. he went into remission in august 2015, but back on october i got that call saying the cancer was back, so he went and had another session of chemo that really kicked him, and he called us all in to say his goodbyes as he was rreally unwell, but i got there and in 2 weeks i saw a big turnaround and although he was still frail he got through and he said " I will live".. and i hope raised again.
his radio help, but the damn oncologist said he needed more chemo... why the hwell he said that... so dad very reluctantly went again to have more chemo, and once again the damn chemo kicked him really badly, so he was rushed to a&e on christmas eve, and got so bad he was a couple of days later taken into icu. he then was moved into a hospital room where he remained intubated as he was nt doing well at all.
after a couple of weeks in hospital he was back home, but worse than ever. he could not talk properly, and was missing some of his big shiny teeth as they were cracked when he was intubated, he could not speak properly and could not eat.
My fiacee and i had already planned to go to see him in january as i was afraid he would never meet him, so we got there on the 21st Jan, Dad was very unwell, he got to mumbble a couple of things to Vinnie my fiance and made a joke, and was a bit there and mostly gone, and from friday onwards he started to decline. he woould not open his eyes, heis body was there but he was not, and before we left he was taken into palliative care to make him as comfortable as possible, i though he was gonna get through it, he had done it before.... we were due to fly back to uk on 30th Jan at 11pm Colombian time.
That saturday morning around 3am i woke up very agitated, and when leaving the room at mum# house she was coming in... i knew it was not good... she sat me down, said my sis had called and dad had passed away just before 3am. i was numb, then i had urgency to call sis and ask all this stupid questions, i could not cry then, i was numb in shock. and i had to make my mind to leave or stay, i could not have been able to bare the sight of him being cremated so that night i flew back to UK, now i regret it. I know we said our goodbyes and i borught things that wil always remind me of him, but i am struggling to cope with him not being here anymore, how am i supposed to live without him? how is life supposed to go on, and how i am suposed to keep going with the weddng thing when i know he will not walk me down the aisle? somedays i want everything to disappear, but i know he wants me to go on w my life.
why did this happened to him? how can i go on?
