Hi there, I'm sorry to see that you lost your mum. I lost my dad 3 months ago and the end wasn't very pleasant and these images effect me and my mum can also see the images a lot more than me. For me the grief has got easier and by easier I mean I do go several minutes without thinking of my dad rather than it being constant and I've even managed a day without tears. Everyone deals with grief in different timescales. Maybe a grief counsellor would be of benefit? I know MacMillan and Cruse offer this service but haven't tried it myself. In my head I had so many questions that I needed answering and when I got an answer I moved on to the next, now I think I've drawn my own conclusions on the process and I've moved on slightly. Talking on here helps and makes you realise you're not alone in this struggle. Take care of yourself x

Hi Mia

I think when we lose someone we are affected in various ways. There is the practical loss, just not having them there doing what they used to do for us and that includes the emotional support. From my experience you kind of get over that quicker - you learn to fend for yourself, you find others give you emotional support. Seeing as your mother was so ill for so long I'm guessing that you're coping there reasonably well - you certainly sound as if you were a great support to your mother when she needed you

More difficult are the memories of what they went through in the final days.

Those memories of my wife's last 48 hours are still the most painful for me 4 months on - you tend to empathise, to put yourself in their position and it's very painful.

The thing that I wasn't prepared for was how much my mind would torture me with them - how much you find yourself coming back to them like a tongue prodding a sore tooth - you know these thoughts are painful for you - you know that they serve no purpose other than to upset you and yet its really hard to stop thinking about them.

Does this sound familliar?

I'd suggest that you first start by acknowledging to yourself that thinking about these painful memories is not useful, that not thinking about them isn't the same as forgetting about your mother and that you're simply not strong enough right now to remember and think about the trauma of those last days.

Once you've done that you can work on mechanisms to stop that treterous brain brining you back to think about them. When you find yourself starting to think about then - be strong! Don't sit there and dwell on it - learn to catch it and distract yourself - go and make a cup of tea or something - ring someone up and talk about something else - go on-line and browse youTube - whatever it may be for you - find things that you can do that make you have to think about other things.

This might sound a trite answer a bit like saying "Think of nice things instead" but it's not easy trust me I know! It's about learning to take control of your own mind your own thoughts so you master them and not the other way around - it's hard but it can work - it has for me.

You might also like to check out www.cruse.org.uk who do in person and on-line bereavement counciling

Best of luck and remember right now your mind is not your friend and you need to show it who's Boss! :c) 

Hi - like others here all I seem to do is replay the final few weeks in my mind - they were frightful and my Mum was in dreadful pain and she was scared of what was happening - I felt at a loss of what to do as no matter how many doctors/nurses etc. I spoke to I never thought she received the pain relief that she should have done.  At the time I felt over whelmed but am kicking myself for not being more demanding - however, we trust the doctors/nurses are doing their best ... now I just question things.  

I understand totally that you keep seeing the dreadful things over and over again - why does our brain do this.  Yesterday was my Mother's birthday but all I could think of was her last birthday when she was ill - why am I not able to remember all the good ones.  

It's like my brain hits the rewind button .... but it only allows itself to rewind to the horror and not the joy.  Am hoping this changes in time. 

Yes it's not easy but you have to get on top of that!

First step is that realising that it's these thoughts that are causing you so much pain and it's in no way unfaithful to their memory trying to stop them. 

Do *not* allow yourself to dwell on them. Find coping strategies things that you can get up and do when you find yourself thinking about them from getting up and making a cup of tea, to a bit of gardening to going for a walk/run whatever is your thing - if you're driving change the station on the radio. Do something to change the environment.

It's almost like a mental form of self harming - you wouldn't sit there sticking pins into yourself ( I hope ) so don't let all those nasty thoughts stick pins in you either.

If you're having difficulties remembering the good times perhaps a trip into the photo album is needed - I have a picture of my wife walking along the beach last August bank holiday on my phone - I just get it out and look at it from time to time when I need a lift

Thanks Graham .... your analogy of it being a mental form of self harming sounds very true ... I didn't cry at the funeral and haven't done so since so it's little wonder that my mind is all over the place.  Sometimes I wish I was able to cry as it may bring some relief but it doesn't happen.  

The fact that there is a police investigation going on regarding the abuse she suffered at the home doesn't make life any easier .... we just can't seem to move on.... but am sure that time will come.  That's what males me so angry that someone could hurt a dying elderly woman .... and then all the pain she went through in her final weeks in the hospital.  

I understand what you mean about changing the environment ............ and yes I will dig out some photos sshowing the good times.