I lost my beautiful 29 year old son to cancer on 28th December 2014 and have found the pain so difficult and overwhelmimg. Chris lost his battle after 7 weeks after a sarcomia on his lung was diagnosed in the October. After the second biopsy he was tols he would have 3 months possibly 3 years to live. He was in shock and he decided to go for chemotherapy. He had had a sarcoma on his left knee 10 years earlier when he was 19 years old and he had a prosthetic knee and partial leg replacement. I watched his struggle with doing his best to find work and dealing with the benefit sysytem which done nothing but create more problems. The family did what we could and when he became ill in January 2015 he was convinced his cancer was back. He had  a breakdown and this caused him to become very frightend about getting his cancer back. I did my best and swapped homes to give a secure home and a new start. He couldn't afford his rent and his part time job just couldn't stretch. I am so lost and angry that Chris didn't get the support he required and he wasn't strong enough to survive the chemo. I have a strong memory of visiting him one day and he was crying because he hadn't eaten for 3 days. The consistancy of having to chose heat before food and paying bills was an upward struggle. We his family consistantly did our best to help and he was so ashamed of his predicament. He couldn't walk or stand too long and employers gave up on him because he wasn't able to do full time work. His last job working in a call centre gave back some of his pride and confidence however the lack of contracted hours made it impossible to keep up with bill, rent etc as it was ever changing. Chris was a fighter and stubborn however shyed away from confiding in others outside the family and hated feeling beholdent to any one.

He was determined to survive and beat the cancer as he wanted to marry his girl and settle down. They had been together for 7 years and she was an angel of love and care for him through the whole time. The family have suffered my daughter abandoned us for reasons I cannot get into. I lost my son and daughter and it is so hard to let go and trust that she may return to her family. She has another brother and stepsister that lost her as well. The grief is so hellish and the anger and sadness is so hard to take. It feels like life will never be the same. Chris was loved by us all and by so many however the family has been torn apart. I love my son however the trauma of the loss means I don't dream of him and this gets me down. Other family members talk to me about their dreams and I long to see him again. Moving on feels too difficult and letting go seems impossible. I tell myself I can't let this happen to another family however don't know what to do as the complexity of living in an uncaring society gets me down. I have worked in the voluntary sector and been in the caring proffession most of my life. My values of love and kindness are sorely stretched as I see so much unhappiness and feel so bereft and helpless and wonder if I will ever move on. A bereft mum xxxx