Hi, you know 11 weeks is no time at all - it is still so fresh in your mind.  Give yourself time, you are never goung to 'get over'  losing your mum but you will learn to live with it.  My mum died 20 years ago and I can still cry thinking about the good times with her. Do you think, perhaps, your girlfriend is feeling rather edged out of your life,  perhaps have a chat to find out why she is not being understanding of your hurt.  Sending my best wishes to you.

Hi

As Pauline says your grief is so very raw still and this time of year really heightens the loss you feel.  I lost my husband, and my adult children their Dad, just after Christmas last year and we are still coping day to day, week to week and feel pretty emotional about the festive season without him this year. I will only say that it is a little easier nearly a year on.

I do hope that your friend can become more supportive and suspect she is at a loss to know what to say or how to say it (I have had that happen to me too).  Maybe when you feel up to it you could chat together about your feelings and she, and you, may gain some understanding; I hope so as it does help to have some support.  Sending you a virtual hug and do come and chat if you wish - sometimes it helps to just offload and there are plenty using the forum who can relate to how you feel just now.   Jules54

Hi Pauline4

Thanks for the time to write. It's going to be very hard to live with.

Best wishes to you.

Hi Jules54

Thanks for the time to write and the virtual hug. Sorry about your husband.

12 weeks today mum died, I don't where times gone. Mum had cancer for over 2 years. Just after july 2015 scan shown a bit of movement of cancer. Then  mum went depressed. I thought she pull out of this. But then had lots of vomiting. This couldn't be stopped so I got her in hopital. but that didn't help. Then she died.

I feel in shock as she looked well and scan didn't show much movement .

I'm finding day to day very hard. the first months felt such a pain inside me but pain has gone some.

Not sure why my girlfriend been less supportive. I think she deals with loss differently but still has her mum and dad.

Day to day is so different. One minute your a carer next minute you feel lost. Cancer took my dad too.With my parents I was vey close. How do you cope?

Sorry to ramble on.

Hi,

I think everyone deals with loss differently just, as in the same way, we all live life differently. I had joined this forum during the final two years of my husband's illness for somewhere to share my feelings (it always felt that you could never do enough to make a difference and he did not wish to communicate about his illness so the forum became an outlet for me).

Coping seems to change as time moves forward. In the early weeks there was much to keep me busy with all the arrangements to be made, paperwork and I did an awful lot of housework and then when the better weather came, I spent a lot of time walking and in my garden which I found very peaceful past times.  After a month I returned to my part time job and had the added support of my workmates which was very helpful.  For me, now living on my own (after 37 years of marriage) there was a period of adjustment and getting through emotional dates were a challenge.  I have two children and two grandsons and a couple of exceptional friends (other friends and my husband's siblings just seemed to be in denial and stayed away through much of his illness and though we stay in touch they are no longer a huge part of my life - sad but their choice not mine).

As time moved along (and you are right it does seem to go quickly) I took support offered by our GP (she would see me monthly at first and though I did not need any kind of medication, she listened and kept an eye on my wellbeing.  I now go back in six months, so suppose there has become a form of acceptance that I did my best as a friend and wife during our life together and now, whilst missing him, I also need to be grateful for the time we had and make the most of my own life.  I  know my children grieve differently and we are lucky we can talk to each other openly and they too had the support they need but sometimes you have to ask for that support.

The deep love you have for your Mum and all that she taught you is carried within your heart always and whilst life is forever changed by her passing, she would, I am sure (as a Mum  myself) be proud of how you cared for her and also want you to have your own life as and when you are ready. Day to day may well be hard though I think most here on the forum understand and listen so never worry about rambling. As you can see I am pretty good at that myself.

My own Dad died from prostate/lung cancer nearly 9 years ago and I often find myself remembering how strong he was before the illness but he was still strong in mind and I try to follow his lead now as part of my coping mechanism.  Feeling guilty about being able to enjoy myself was one of the biggest hurdles I had to 'jump' but I am slowly getting there and if I have an emotional meltdown I try to roll with it and accept the needs I have.

Take care of yourself. Jules

Hi jules54

Thank you, your not rambling it's very helpful. I'm waiting for counselling. I try keep busy which helps. But even cleaning reminds me of mum. Not helping mum just seems so very change.

 I have my own place which i rent. Put most of my time was with my parents. So strange on my own.

My parents and myself had lot of trouble with my brother. So we were close still because of this. My brother is controlling and even he was good at the start and stayed there a few weeks. I had to come back even on my own.  His not changed and didn't feel save.

Like you say Jules mum would have wanted a life for me. Life just seems not such a loving place.

I know like yourself after 37 years living with someone, to them not being there is very hard.

Hope you take care of yourself and once again, thanks for your time at this busy time of the year.

Hi sameboat

It's still early days and it takes time to adjust to a 'non caring role' when  that has been your main concern. Your Mum was very lucky to have your love and caring attitude when she needed it most and spending time on your own is when you find yourself going over and over what you have as a family been through. Many say time is a healer and I think on the whole they are right.  We never forget the loss but we somehow learn to accept that our life has to move forward and adjustments may appear slow but you need to go at your own pace. 

I hope the counselling becomes available to you soon and it is a shame that you cannot share feelings with your brother but you will eventually feel able to cope a little easier I am sure.  My level of concentration has definitely been affected but slowly I am getting there. I still find I wake two or three times a night as if to check all is well (something that was a constant during my hubby's illness) and this is one thing it would be great to overcome. After around six months after my loss I found a new hobby which both helps with physical and mental stresses (at the ripe old age of 61 I joined a gym!!).  It was a small change in my lifestyle but means I have new aims and social contact.

Look after yourself and enjoy some me time (please do not feel guilty about thinking of yourself for a while). Regards Jules x

Hi Jules54

Thanks for time to respond.

Hope Christmas will be nice for all your family.

Sameboat.