Hi Kathy

You'll find people on here who have lost parents and partners, both recently and, like yourself, a few years ago. I know those of us who have lost people more recently would like to know how these last two years have been for you, what's been difficult and the things that have helped you through the tough times.

Welcome

Hi GrahamM

It has been two years and three months since I lost David.  I had a hard time with seeing his recliner chair 

that he always sat in.  So I started sitting in it.   That helped.  The same for his side of the bed.  I started 

sleeping on his side of the bed.  I had two weeks bereavement leave from work and after the first week

I was ready to go back to work.  My coping method was to clean house.  I started in the basement and

worked my way up.  It kept my mind busy in those first weeks.  David played the guitar and I am 

learning to play it.  Hobbies really help.  It does get easier.  It is different.  I find I have no tolerance

for people that complain about their marriage.  I will always miss the little things he did but now I 

can recall them with a smile.  I started a journal of all the things I never want to forget about  him and

it is nice to go back and read them .  I still talk to him all the time.  Giving his clothes away was 

hard but once I did it, I felt good about it.  I gave them to a homeless shelter.   This past summer I took 

my granddaughter to the beach.  We used to go every year for a week and it was the first time I had

been back since he passed.  It was hard but I am so glad we went.  Doing the things we used to do

together gives me a sense of peace.  It is always hard the first time but I feel so close to him when I do something we used to do together.  Even simple things like watching our favorite tv shows.  I just 

started doing that.  I am happy now.  It is a different kind of happy but it's ok.   David told me he 

wanted me to find someone else but I am not there yet.  I don't know that I will ever be able to do that.

and I am ok with that.   Try not to dwell on the passing of your loved one.  That was such a small part of their life.  When I think of David, I don't think of his last days, I think about the twenty six years we had

together.

Take care,

Kathy

Thank you for sharing that. Much of what you say sounds very familliar to me and I'm sure it was to others. We've spoken on other threads about clothes but not about TV programs. We'd always record Gardeners World and watch it on a Saturday morning. When it came to the Saturday after she'd died I found that really hard.

I'm going through the house too doing all the little jobs - I finally freed a sideboad drawe that had been stuck for a year last night and thought "Ha I'll have to tell Melanie...oh right" that sort of thing happens quite often.
 

An astute observation about not dwelling on their actual passing - I know the last days, hours and especially moments of our loved ones are some on the most intensely painful memories many of us have.

Christmas will be hard - how was your first Christmas without David?

I know May will be tough too - that would have been our 25th anniversary

Of all the things you wrote the most important was:

" I am happy now.  It is a different kind of happy but it's ok. "

Remember how you felt in the first weeks, I'll bet you wouldn't have believed you could ever write something like thatever again - so many on here feel like that now.

It is truely wonderful to have someone come on and simply say "I lost like you have lost - but now I am happy"

Hi KathyV, Your post has been an inspiration to me. I lost my husband just 3 weeks ago and although I think I am coping reasonably well mainly due I think to the huge amounts of paperwork resulting from his death and funeral etc. I too have just started to clean my house from top to bottom, very theraputic. Michael also had a recliner chair which I have avoided, even clearing and moving his table, but that seems as though I am removing him, so I have put it all back and will try and use it. Luckily I do have a few hobbies to fall back on next year, perhaps when the concentration returns and I have very supportive family and friends, I am very lucky in that respect. Thankyou for all your thoughts and support to all who have lost someone they love. x

Hi Kathy,

Reading your post has made me realise that there is a life to be lived out there. My gorgeous husband died on August 1st this year and I feel like i'm walking through treacle at the moment...everything seems to take me ages to do or decide on! However after reading how you are coping, i've decided that I to am going to remember my brilliant 31 yrs I had with him and not keep re-living his last 24hrs. I have actually started sorting out drawers, keeping things he held dear and putting other items into a charity bag...I intend to start 2016 following your example. As hard as it is, i've put up my fairy lights and decorations and the family will laugh and cry in equal measure...but i feel now that we will get there.

Thankyou again for your wise words XX

Hi all,

Some of you I  have 'spoken' to on other threads but some are newbies to me.  Kathy your initial and follow up posts were comforting to read.

My hubby (of 37 years) died in January this year (3 year journey with Mesothelioma).  I too found cleaning occupied my time in the early months(and an enormous amount of paperwork/legalities) and I too appreciated some quiet time (still do) for reflection. I do remember our last day but now, with comfort rather than sadness.  As he loved this time of year and moments spent with family, I have decorated for Christmas (hardest bit was lighting up the Christmas tree as this was his domain) and now see it as making new memories to carry along with the old.  I do not doubt that laughter will mingle with tears as we spend this first Christmas without his 'Mr Holly' outlook but time spent with family, after  I spend Christmas morning alone, will be  an important part of the festivities. 

Coping is a personal aspect of life after losing a loved one but we will drawer strength from others who understand. Thank you. Jules

There is never a day passes without my waking thought being for the man I lost but I am so thankful for all he gave us and hope to do him proud as I move forward alone.  I am so grateful for my family and friends and look at my own life a little differently these days.

Hi Kazzie, Thank you for your very kind words!  When I started posting I never imagined that I 

would have anything to say that could help others.  It warms my heart to know that it is.  I am

sorry for the loss of your Michael.   I understand how you feel about the feeling of removing him

by removing his things.  I kept some of Davids things.  His can of shaving cream is still in the 

shower.  It took some time but I finally got to a point that I felt like I could remove the things

and keep the memories.   Davids hobby was wood working.  He built most of the furniture

in our home.  These things I have kept and they will be handed down to our children.  Most of

his tools are gone.  I kept the ones I thought I might have a need for.  Seeing his empty shop in the

basement was hard at first but now when I go down there I am flooded with memories of him working

to build our bed, dressers, bookcases etc.  I don't need to see his tools.  I see him!  You will know

when you are ready to let the things go.  There is no time frame for it.  Stay strong!

Hi Jules.  Thank you for responding to my post.  I am amazed that the things I have been feeling

and experiencing  are being the same to others.  I find a lot of comfort in this.  I am sorry for the 

loss of your husband.  I cannot imagine your 3 year battle.  When ever I think I can't do this, I

hear my husband telling me I am doing it, just keep doing what you are doing.    Doing "his" chores

was hard at first, it was a reminder that he was not here to do it.  All the guy stuff.  mowing the

lawn, weed wacking, shoveling snow etc.  But now as strange as it sounds I find comfort it them.

I catch myself telling him   there hubby, just the way you like it.  My main goal is to be an

example to our childen on how to deal with great loss.  Life does go on.  It will never be like it was.

But happiness is out there and it is waiting for you.  All of us have had someone tell us our

partner would want us to be happy and the first time I heard these words I did not think there

was any way that would ever be possible.  Two years and three months later I am happy.   I am 

not the same person I used to be.  Losing a loved one changes us forever  But I do have happiness

in my life.  David and I had a wonderful life together.  I feel honored that I got to be his wife

for 23 years.  I feel the best way I can honor his memory is to be strong, be happy, and cherish the

memories I have of him.    Take care!

Hi Peach.  I am sorry for the loss of your husband.    I am glad you have started taking steps to

go on with your life.  I know it is a hard thing to do.  Each time you tackle something that is hard

to face you are taking a step towards your future happiness.  When David was first diagnosed I thought

I would keep a journal of our journey with cancer.  After one week I stopped.  The news we were getting 

was horrible and it was not something I wanted to relive ever.  Now I am so glad I did not continue

with it.  I don't want to relive it.   It is much better to recall how he used to kiss the tip of my nose

and my forehead .  How in the heat of a disagreement he would get a twinkle in his eyes and

say love ya hon.  How that always made me giggle  (even now!)    I am strong because of him

He loved me very much and I still carry that love with me.      

Stay strong  you can do this!