Gucci, I'm so very sorry to read of your loss. You must be devastated. I suspect your partners Family are just hurting - at their loss and maybe they felt they could have offered something more to your partner in her final weeks had they known? You cannot blame yourself and you did indeed have to respect her wishes. Give it time...cliche I know, but I'm sure they will come around and you can grieve together. In the meantime, all I can offer you is my prayers. I lost my Nan five months ago and it does become more bearable in time. Cherish your good memories. You're in my thoughts.

Thanks WGD for your thoughts, I'm actually ok as I write this I guess maybe with the funeral this Tuesday's I'm going into autopilot again. 

Some days I wake up and am in tears and some I'm ok and break down later, usually at some point though. I just keep sitting myself hearing her voice, remembering and seeing her around.

We had so many plans, but when she was diagnosed they all  understandably ment nothing. We had planned to go to the Scottish highlands for a weekend as she got out of hospital on the Thursday. She had been receiving MST morphine slow release pain relief as the cancer was everywhere including her bones. The chemist in hospital forgot to give it to her and her last days before she went into a coma were in agony as she was at the end, even the medazalan didn't make her any more comfortable. The solace I have is that she is now in no more pain and I will always know I met someone in my life who loved me for me as I did her. I hope I get through Tuesday, It will be a hard day for everyone.

You know it's true what they say, you get through the funeral because you're almost numb. It's your bodies way of protecting you from the shock. My Nan was like a Mother to me and the day she left us she took part of me with her. The day of the funeral when the cars pulled up, my stomach turned as I walked out and saw the coffin. But during the service, as the Father did his piece, the sun suddenly came beating down through the skylight and onto her coffin. I realised then that she was at peace and more importantly, no longer in pain. I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling because your partner was so young, but you experienced true love in all its splendour and it's these thoughts and memories and everybody else around you, including us on the forums, that will guide you through.

Thanks again for the reply, talking really helps. I have lost my best friend and although Jean was seven years older than me, I had grown up overseas so mentally I suppose I was a bit older for my age and she was a bit younger and we hit it off from day 1.

I have to try and stay strong tomorrow and get thru it all!

Thanks again, this forum has been a big help

Thanks Graham, it was devastating, we came back from holiday in 18th Sep and she was in hospital 3 weeks before they had the guts to tell her. That's another story. Her prognosis was just awfull. It had started in the colon/gastric area then moved into lymphs secondary and worst is all in the bones. 

She was in terrible pain the likes of which I have never seen. At the very end it was in her brain too and she was having fits, I hope that she never knew. As you say it was just so sudden, 2 months from glowing healthy to end of life. All this has changed me, I love her and miss her so much but I held her hand and was there when she was groaning in agony and terrified. There is just no need to put someone through that, we must do something. If someone only has a day or two left, they are unresponsive riddled with cancer and in unimaginable pain, they should be allowed to go, we have to change the law.

Oh goodness Gucci that was an awful experience - highlights for me how lucky we were.

Although Melanie had her cancer for 3 years the chemo was very effective and with the exception of flu-like syptoms for a day or so after chemo she had very few symptoms and no real pain until the last couple of weeks.

At that point she started to get severe stomach pain and was throwing up a lot her blood pressure nose-dived and we ended up in A&E. After a few hours they got some morphine into her which helped for a bit and then they gave her a syringe pump of fentanil which is a powerul synthetic opiate and that managed her pain well but really knocked her out.

She was getting worse by the hour as the infection took hold and I went and talked to the palliative team and they agreed to stop the anti-biotics and plasma infusion and to let her go quickly. I don't think I've ever faced a harder decision than that and I hope I never will again. Just sitting here typing about it the tears are coming back but I know it was the right decision.

I also agree with you about the need for the law to change - I can't believe that those idealistic members of Parliament who got so worried about precident would have done so if they'd gone through what you and I have. - I won't say any more it still make me angry 

Something very similar Graham with myself but as you say, very sudden. I had virtually no contact with doctors and senior staff, so in the short time Jean was very sick, and she received no chemo or radiotherapy, she was mainly on constant MST and oramorph top up when req, gabapentin, stupid amounts of amitriptyline and anything really just to dumb down the pain. She also received ongoing blood transfusions, but it was 7-8 weeks pain management, and only in the last 3 weeks or so was it made plain that for want of a better expression "her goose was cooked"(we both had a very dry sense of humour which helped) if we had known she only had 2-3 months which I have researched is the median survival time, we could have had more time to talk and come to terms.

It's fair to say I wasn't happy with her treatment, but I sometimes think doctors are put in an awfull position, to say to someone you are going to die, painfully and horribly and u ain't got long is your worst nightmare. Which brings me back to my point, it would give a loved one, a human being some form of control over this awfull disease should this be the diagnosis, nobody is saying its for everyone but that option should be there to the patient. If the family, hospital staff and if possible the patient(if responsive) agree it should be on the table. However, if like Jean, 4 her last 36 hours of her life all they are doing is pumping her full of medazalan so she is still in pain but to what degree we are unsure because the nirphine will now stop her breathing, then it's time this law must be changed. There comes a point, especially with terminal cancer when the patient can't be helped and is in the most unimaginable pain with limited time left to end there suffering. As for politicians, I couldn't agree more which is why I feel pushing this is without question the right thing to do.