Hi Deben,

My father died a couple of years back, and like you I got a call from the hospital and was too late to get there before he died.

So when my wife's cancer started to worsen at the end of September I was determined to be there. And I was, I stayed there for the best part of 48 hours to be there when she died - and you know what?  I don't think it made an ounce of difference.

Yes every case is different but in hers she had increasing pain and increasing medication and yes it's a cliche but she really did slip away.

I'd say the chances are that it was similar with your husband. He just slowly became less concious of his surroundings and what was happening and slipped into unconciousness.

What I'm saying is try not to feel guilty.

I think it's a very natural reaction when we lose someone - you replay over in your mind things that you could have done which would have changed the outcome or made it better but in many cases it really isn't like that. Dealing with loss is hard enough without finding ways to beat yourself up about things you could have done differently.

The thing I don't think I expected was that tendency to inflict pain on yourself - I know the events of those few days that are the most painful and yet I find my mind deliberately wandering back to them it's like a bad tooth or ulcer that you can't stop your tongue from prodding.

Yes it is hard, really hard. I know that I was a complete wreck for the first few weeks, then I started to put it to the back of my mind a bit and get on with things because I have to. Now I'm at a stage where it jumps out and bites me when I'm not expecting it and I think "Oh yes I must tell...Oh yes right", or I get confused when I wake up and forget - I dare say with time that will happen less often but I suspect it always will occasionally.

A lot of married people die every day and every one leaves a husband or wife wondering how they can live on their own - pretty much all of them do - and so will you, and so will I

Graham, thank you for your reply. I was with my husband when he died but he was unconscious and I just hope he knows I was there holding his hand.  Thank you  for sharing your story with me.  Best wishes 

Graham, thank you for your reply. I was with my husband when he died but he was unconscious and I just hope he knows I was there holding his hand.  Thank you  for sharing your story with me.  Best wishes 

Then you have absolutly nothing to feel guilty about.

It sounds as if you had a very close relationship that brought you both much joy - and there is a price to pay for that which we put to the back of our minds - the grief when that ends is that price.

Like a spectacular holiday or a fabulous meal we should not begrudge paying the bill but rather look on it as a price worth paying for what has been a wonderful experience