As some people might know I lost my dad 3 months ago today to cancer, and now a month ago today I lost my grandad too. We thought that my grandad was getting better, which he was but a week after my dad passed my grandad was in hospital and he never came out, a week before he passed he was put into st Luke's. We found out that even though the cancer grew a tiny bit it wasn't enough to make him ill. Or so we thought, it turns out that it had grew much more, by the time he was in st Luke's he had lost over 5 stone within 2 months, which grew to him weighing less than me(I'm only 9 stone 11 nearly 10) we could see his bones and when I went to see him my family and friends had said that they're proud of me and my brother because within a course of 2 months we were back at St Luke's for the same reason, we didn't expect to be back there so soon. On the 8th of October we were told that day would be his last as his breathing was really slowing down, so I spent all that day at St Luke's, I was going to stay over night as he was still here but I broke down. He made it another 2 days which marked the 10th of October. Exactly 2 months after my dad passed. The cancer had gone from his lungs to his bowel, bones, throat and eyes. Sometimes I wonder to my self how I cope with it, everyone's different with how they cope. I now have counselling to help me, which I have only just recently started it. I miss them both so much, I still can't accept that they're gone. 2 of the most important men in my life are now gohe, I know they'll always be with me in my heart and I still have the memories. But when I remember those memories or look back on them I break down, I know it's okay to break down but I've never really liked crying in front of people, even if it's family. I'm finding it hard to do things like I used to, like job searching or drawings etc. I still do them but it takes a lot of energy and lately I just feel as if I don't have that energy anymore, I don't have that motivation. When I lost my dad I was lost, and my grandad said to me if  I need anything, need anyone to talk to then go to him. Now I feel more lost than I did before. I decided it was time to get counselling when a couple weeks after grandad passed, I started to get this urge and start thinking like I used to, I didn't want that feeling anymore. I couldn't go as low as I did a couple years back, that's not something they'd want. My family and friends tell me that they're proud and they know it's harder for me and my brother. I miss them both so much, i wish they were still here