Hi Gilliansandra

So sorry to hear of the loss of your husband.

Just to let you know you are not alone.There are others here who will know how you feel.

One new Cancer Chat member, Angela, has just joined up.

She too has lost her husband. You can find her discussion thread here. 

You will see on Angela's thread I have linked her to Chuff, who is another new member in a similar position.

You may find it helpful to talk to eachother.

Best wishes

Jane

Hi Gilliansandra,

I am sorry you have suffered the loss of your husband and I saw your post on Chuff's thread too. This forum is somewhere to come when you need to talk and share feelings.  I lost my own hubby after his three year journey with Mesothelioma (cancer of lung linings due to asbestos exposure) in January this year.  Married 37 years but together for 42.

  Those early days after the loss were filled with organising everything and what seems like endless paperwork and I found that when that was finished suddenly there was more thinking and grieiving time. I returned to work (only do part time) after a month and found that helped with the healing process but we are all different. The emotions come and go and I am learning to deal with the 'wobble's' as I face new 'firsts' as I know my husband would want me to carry on with my 'living'.  It's a new normal and not one I would have chosen but slowly as time allows I will get there.

Come and chat anytime. Jules

Hi Gilly

It will certainly take time tore-adjust to our different lives.  Of course we had the unusual and unwelcome routine of dealing with cancer in our husband's life which also took its toll on us as. I am fortunate in that my children (2) and grandchildren (2)  live within a few miles and in the early days we spent   many hours together whilst we needed mutual support. I learned not to expect too much of myself and took it day by day. I also had my GP keeping an eye on me regularly for around four months as she likes to follow through afterwards and I welcomed being able to talk things through. Being back at work albeit for only 16hrs a week gave me some of the normality I had lost and both staff and customers (work in the High Street) were very supportive.

I was  lucky to find this forum during my husband's cancer journey and my virtual buddies continue to bring me comfort which is why I like to offer support to others if at all possible.  We are never alone when we can come and chat.People here understand our fears and sadness. Somehow we coped with our husband's diagnosis (I still wonder at times where I found that strength)  and now, being a few months further forward than yourself, I can see I am 'surviving' the changes in my life that his death brought.

I am and have always  been an early morning person and use this time to do 'quiet' housework as keeping busy seemed to help.  I expect your dogs will be a valuable asset, keeping you company as you  move forward but there is no set timescale and for yourself its still very raw and early days.Learn to be kind to yourself and take small steps. In my case, as time moves on happier memories keep me going and I am making adjustments as best I can and at the same time my children are learning to cope with the loss of their Dad.  I hope talking on the forum will help a little. Jules

Thanks for your reply. I am feeling calm this morning have actually opened the curtains, so will walk the dogs early. It is a lovely day and the first thing I think is obviously Roy, his younger brother came last night and his grief is still very raw as they were very close. Have got to get some things sorted today so must keep my straight head on. Dreamed about Roy last night which was nice as I could not even do that a couple of weeks ago.  It is nice finding this forum because we know that people are going through the same thing but it is nice to actually talk to them. Have a good day GillianSandra

Hi GillianSandra

Hope you enjoyed a good walk with the dogs.  Lovely here today (Middlesex) and am enjoying breakfast outside for a change.  I do not work on a Friday  so hopefully will spend some time in the garden later too  after  appointments this morning and the weekly shop (still find it strange not having to put things in the trolley that hubby could possibly manage). When I saw my eldest grandson on Tuesday had to explain why I no longer had 'pink milk' (hubby was on milkshakes to try and boost calorie intake for a good few months and grandson benefitted too!!).  I may have to get some Nesquik so he can have a treat on his next sleepover.

Somehow the better weather always lifts the spirits and tomorrow evening I am catching up with the kids and am hoping to book a short family holiday for next year - co-ordinating dates/destination/ideas all hunched around the laptop is sure to give us all something to focus on.

Chat soon, Jules

Had a good day all day yesterday, then last night felt awful,could not stop crying for ages. Had this horrible feeling of guilt. I felt guilty all day, I thought  why am I here and he isn't. We have a lovely place in the country which we moved here 11 years ago after deciding to pack up our jobs sell our then house and move away for a new life.  Which we did and we have had a good life.  Roy was going to semi retire which lasted for 3 months then got a totally different job full time. I find the evening quite hard because obviously we were always together people always said we were joined at the hip. We always worked together.  Anyway going to spend some time in the garden myself.  It is a lovely day. My daughter is coming down to spend a few days with me.  I hope you book a lovely holiday and you have a lovely day as well.  I am going to clean right through the place so my daughter can mess it all up for me. Bless her.  Speak to you soon.  Gill.

Hi Gill

The emotions of grief seem to come and go at will and it seems we have to learn to flow with them. I know its pretty pointless saying please do not feel guilty.  Its one of those emotions I think most people who have loved and lost experience at some point in time.  My Dad said it was wasted energy and though my head says he was right my heart had other ideas!!  In time (and its different lengths for everyone it seems) the wonderful memories that you made together will surface and I am now very thankful that I can call upon them.  I also accpet that my hubby would not want me to be sad all the time as he loved 'happy times'. I still struggle at times and think this is perfectly normal and its hard to explain to others who have not experienced such a loss.  We will make it though with the help of friends and family and a determination dredged up from who knows where.  My most recent guilt trip was knowing I am to benefit from his pension plan (whilst he cannot) - hey ho.

Hope you have a good catch up with your daughter - mutual support  I would imagine and just think, if she messes up the house you have put all your hard cleaning work into, you will have to start again  - housework is always never-ending grrr.

I spent a good couple of hours with daughter/son and other halves yesterday evening and am pleased to say we have booked a holiday for a week in the Summer next year - something to focus on and look forward to for all of us.  I like to think hubby would approve as he liked to travel.

Well, having recovered from my morning housework.gym session and 2mile walk am off into the sunny (well shaded part) garden to trip hedge and maybe put my feet up for a bit.  Take care.Jules

Morning Jules, I too am benefiting from his pension, some people have to struggle, but we always worked hard and prepared for later life as Roy would say.  Well first day back at work today.  Am not looking forward to it. But then again I did not look forward to Mondays before so nothing's changed there. Glad you booked a holiday, my daughter keeps saying let's book a holiday, but can't get my head around that yet. You are right about the feelings, it seems one minute you are fine and then you just go into some sort of bubble, I seem to have to shake myself and get my head around my thoughts but everything sometimes just falls apart.  Managed to go up the town yesterday and see people without filling  up. Out tonight for a curry with friends which seemed a good idea last week but does not seem so good at the moment. Speak to you soon GGill.

Hi Gill

All 'firsts' take 'deep breaths' and  perseverance. I hope you first day back was not as bad as anticipated. I cheated and visited work before I actually went back but still had a few blubbing moments during the first few weeks. No need to be ashamed of our emotions and I was lucky to have understanding (protective) workmates.

As to taking a holiday I think you will know when you are ready for one.   Three months after I lost hubby I spent separate weeks away, first with my daughter and family and then with son and his girlfriend, both self catering and both in Dorset though different parts. It was good to get a break away from all the formalities and spend time together. We all had 'our moments; but tried to roll with them.  It is still very early days for you and the family and some things just cannot be rushed.

Strange coincidence that you should mention a curry out with friends tonight.  My first meal out was also with friends and for a curry; of course it felt strange but good friends understand and it's a start to that 'new normal' we have to find.  Hope you can enjoy their company and the food.

It was a bit of a thinking too much day for me today (7 months since I lost hubby/best friend)but was at work till 1.45 (do part time three days a week) and then decided to have my eyebrows shaped(threading always makes my eyes water!!) before heading back home.  Take care and chat soon.Jules