Hi everyone

Dont know where to start...

So my Nan (who has been such a important role in my life) like a Mum to me.  Sadly was diagnosed with lung cancer two years ago, we were told that it wouldnt be the cause of her death and that they caught it early.  She started off with Chemo which went suprisingly well, they said it had shrunk but would never completely go. 

A couple of months must of passed she gradually got more tired and sick through the treatment.  ALOT had happened in the past 2 years, she broke her pelvis due to frail bones, was having seizures.  Before this she was a healthy active housewife/Mother/Nan.

She then was diagnosed with brain cancer and cancer in her bones which then resulted to radiotherapy.  Again they said she was responding well to this so we was all petty positive.  Although as time went on she was deteriating more and more, she was bedbound and exhausted.  Sometimes it was like her brain would get confused, we believe the cancer may of came back and her bones were very brittle she couldnt move.  There was no point sending her all the way back to hospital for a scan because it would cause too much pain to get her out of the hospital bed and they had a already said that she couldnt have treatment due to seizures.  The nurses advised a hospice but Nan wanted to be at home, fortunately my Grandad and Aunts who workk part time were able to look after Nan.

Things gradually got worse and worse, she had a kafita fitted as she couldnt use the comode.  She was sleeping constantly, secretions in her throat built up meaning she could talk only very faintly, couldnt eat or drink.  We asked for a drip to be fitted but nurses said it would be too much of a risk as it could flood her lungs. 

In my head i knew things were not good but she was such a fighter i never imagined loosing her.  We would try encourage her to eat/drink and she would really really try she loved life and her soul wasnt tired, its just her body that was exhausted.

Last week she went into a deep sleep so deep that noone could wake her (we believe this may of been a coma) we called the nurses who come round and when one of them said her name her eyes pinged open we were all amazed then they closed again.  She said that Nan had around 24/48hrs and would most probably pass while unconcious.  Again I thought she would pull through I was in denial.  My family and I spent the whole day talking to her telling her we love her and memories we have shared.  It was very emotional, as a few of us went home we then got a phonecall to say she had stopped breathing.  

Me & my Mum drove round there in about 4 mins, she was stone cold and stopped breathing.  My grandad had been holding her hand as she passed during her deep sleep.  A week has passed, when it happened i was hysterical in tears for about 3 days.  Now i feel numb i feel like it isnt real, i feel like she has just gone away on holiday and i am going to see  her soon.  I just cant get my head round it all, i really cant.  I dont understand why I feel numb.  im a very emotional person at the best of times and now i feel nothing.  

Has anyone else felt numb and like theyre living in a nightmare?

Elle :(