I always book the day off work when it's my mum's anniversary. It's been 6 years since she past away. It's surreal, memories as I can only remember certain parts of the day, I know what I was in college, it was a Friday. My brother and I had argued over someting to do with my father, they had previously agrued over something and I said to my brother that he should apologies to my dad which obviously didn't go down well with him. Baring in mind my father and brother didn't really get on! 

I remember telling my lecturer that my mum wasn't doing so well, saying about how the cancer had spread and other illnesses took hold of her too and that she had days left and that my brother and I were arguing over my father. Fair play my lecturers were really good about how I was feeling and coping, they would ask how I was quite regular. 

I had visitied my mum in hospital, she was dosed up to the nines to make sure she was 'comfortable' as they say when there's not much else medically the staff can do. I remember telling her that her family were hurting me as mums family and dads family didn't get on, I only strated to notice things weren't all 'happy families' as I got older and certain things weren't hidden behind a smile as it were. 

She made grunting noises and I said to my dad that she was trying to say something but he brushed it off as the medication. I did tell her that it was ok to go, I didn't want to her go obviously but seeing her in such a way it was breaking my heart. I basically told her we'd be fine and it was ok to go again. 

That night I had finished my shower and was washing my hair when the phone rang and I thought to myself if it was my brother I didn't want to speak to him, awful I know but I was upset with the earlier argument we had. It wasn't until my dad came to tell me that he was sorry that she was gone I realised it wasn't my brother on the phone and shock took over.

All I could think of was I needed to dry my hair get dressed and go see her but my father refused to let me as it 'Wouldn't be a pretty sight' I wish he had let me but I supose you do want to protect your children from things like that. His mother came over to keep an eye on me, gave me sweet tea and wrapped a blanket around me.

My father came back from the hospital with my brother and sister in law, it was the longest hug I had ever got from my brother, could cut the silence with a knife. 

The hosital said my mum had the heart and lings of an ox, after that I don't remember much of that night, I remember the following day thinking she was still alive in hospital then came to the realisation that she wasn't. I want to share this with you not to upset anyone, that's never my intention but to let others know that what they're feeling and thinking that seems surreal is something that someone else has experienced, not the exact same but similar. 

I did get quite upset on her anniversary as it was a Friday and it brought back some things I haven't thought of in a while. It's strange, I wasn't imensly close to my mum, more a daddies girl, but now I'm getting older I feel really close to her?! I was only 17 when she past and you know how teenagers are, everything is unfair, your parents don't understand, your body is baffling you and you have to think of your future and work it's a lot to take on and now well....I understand her better. 

I hope that when it's my turn to have children I'll be just like her.