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My dad has 3-4months to live,Im 17 how can I cope with this?

Sb16
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Im 16, soon to be 17. My dad had been diagnosed with cancer maybe 1-2 years? He had a tumor in his brain and had surgery to remove it and had been doing well after. I wish I had researched it more and known how serious it was. Today I found out the tumor has grown back and he has 3-4months to live. I feel overwhelmed with sadness, loneliness and regret. I feel a lot of regret because I had cut him out of my life for these past many months for reasons that are too complicated to explain. I haven't seen or talked to him in a long time.We had been having family issues before he got the diagnoses and surgery,then we talked/saw him during that time and stopped again after he was doing well and back to living his life. I really dont want to be judged because of this but now I know it something that will give me guilt/regret forever. Now the only time I will have left with him is with him sick and not himself in a hospital. I cant explain this regret Im feeling but I just wish so much I would have handled things differently in these past 2 years. Tears keep coming out of my eyes and I have no friends to talk to. my mom is not being sensitive to my emotions and didnt have a talk with me about how im feeling and going on as if nothing is really happening(they divorced when I was very little and basically hated each other). The only person is my sister (19),who Im so thankful to have in my life but I cant tell how this is affecting her. She is mainly concerned about me and didnt cry and is able to smile and laugh a little about things but I know she is just trying to lighten the situation. she has friends she can talk to but I have nobody and I think she knows this and is feeling more worried over me than anything. But I feel so alone because nobody else seems to care as much as I do over this and it almost  makes me a bit angery and I feel so alone.I don't want to go into depression and I want to be able to go on with my life and find a way to go through this. Im a very sensitive person and shut down and don't talk when I deal with hard things and am always inside my head with my thoughts, and this is the hardest thing I have ever faced. Im just asking for kindness from anyone that may be able to give me some advice right now. and I have a few questions I would apprecate a lot if you could answer. what can I say to him in the time he has left and especially when I see him for the first time again?And if you can relate to this how did you cope with it/go on with daily activites like school,work,etc. and what exactly are things you did everyday to help you? Should I share this news with people who arent close with me if Im acting differently so they know why? What should I say to/ask my sister? How can I deal with this in my situation who has no friends and is living alone with my mom? Thank you in advance for anyone that read this and replies!

  • Hello Sb16, 

    I'm so sorry to hear the news about your Dad; I think it's understandable that you have so many overwhelming thoughts, feelings and questions. 

    I wonder if there is someone at school that you feel you might be able to talk to about all that is going on for you right now? We do also have a team of nurses here at Cancer Research that you can call to speak to if you might prefer to do that. You can call them free from a UK landline and most mobile networks Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm on 0808 800 4040. 

    There is also another online forum that you might like to check out if you haven't already. It's called RipRap and is for teenagers who have a parent affected by cancer. I've linked it for you here. 

    For now, just take each day as it comes and try not to look too far into the future. Talk to someone if you can and take care of yourself as well. 

    Best wishes, 

    Jenn
    Cancer Chat moderator

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    Dear Sb16,

    Firstly I'm very sorry to hear your news about your dad.  My dad was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer in January and also has months left to live. Was having a particularly low night myself and stumbled across this post.  

    Firstly don't beat yourself up for what's happened in the past - leave it there. You had your reasons at the time, and thought it was for the best. What's important is where you go from here. When you see your dad just hug him. Tell him you regret not seeing him and you want to see him as much as you can in the time you have left. He will feel the same.  Open your heart to your sister. Tell her how you are feeling. She will worry more if you stay a closed book.  It will help you to offload.  Be there when she needs to talk too; it's amazing how much it helps to know someone else feels the same way you do.

    When you can, tell your mum you need her support. She doesn't have to like your dad but she loves you. Tell her you need her more than ever now. She wouldn't want you to bottle it up. Ask her to put her feelings for your dad aside and help you as best she knows how. 

    Take each day as it comes. It helps to do normal things like work or school. Inform the school about what is going on as soon as you are able.  My workhas been very supportive. Some days you will cope better than others. Just do what you feel you need to do. Don't feel guilty for still having some enjoyment out of life. We all need it.

    I hope this helps a little.

     

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    Hi SB,

    Sorry that you find yourself in this awful position. To set the context, I'm a Dad, a Cancer patient and I lost my Mum to Cancer though much later in life than you.  .

    This is the biggest issue you and your family will ever have to face. For your own sanity put whatever has happened in the past between you and your Dad into a mental box and close the lid on it. Your Dad's remaining time is too precious to waste on regrets for what was just a part of growing up and coping with your parents' acrimonious divorce. ,  

    The very worst thing any of you can do is to bottle things up. Try to tell your Mum how you are feeling, whatever she thinks about your Dad now they had you and your sister together and both she and your Dad will be worrying about you both. Even more importantly, go and see your Dad and give him a hug. Try to tell your Dad how you feel about him as soon as you can. You and your sister will obviously need to support each other in this, being there for each other will help you both cope.

    There is no right or wrong way to cope with any of this. In times of trauma we all act in different ways. I become a workaholic and use work as a distraction, that may work for you - school will be the one place you can go that feels relatively normal. It may not work for you - just go with the flow and see what does help you cope. Jenn's posted a link for you - RipRap may be a good place to sound off and look for support but much of what you are going through is pretty universal so please feel free to use this online community too.

    As a Dad I expected to go through a certain amount of trauma when my children were teenagers. That goes with the territory, as so often do the repercussions of a messy divorce. Time helps relieve the pain but all families go through this process.  .

    Just remember there are no rules, no right or wrong answers and no right or wrong ways to cope. I took a conscious decision to tell friends and colleagues about my situation from the very beginning. This was to avoid any misunderstandings about why my behaviours had changed and to make sure they knew I kept disappearing from work to go on hospital appointments and I wasn't just bunking off. We all need to find our own way along this path but it is always useful to find out what has worked for different people so coming here was a good thing for you to do :-) 

    All I can do now is to wish you and your family Good Luck.

    Dave

     

     

     

  • Offline in reply to natj85

    Hi Natj85,

    Thank you so much for the advice, it did really help. Im sorry to hear about your dad, but it is good to have the support of someone who is in a similar situation. Please dont hesitate to message me anytime if you need somebody to talk to since I relate to what you are going through, and of course it is okay if you dont either. I wish you the best!

  • Offline in reply to davek

    Hi Dave,

     Thank you very much for your reply, it means a lot. Im sorry you lost your mother and you are fighting cancer yourself. You are so strong and Im sure a wonderful dad. I wish you and your family good luck also :)

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