I don't like March. Nothing against the one month of the year but everything happens in March, well to me anyway.

Whenever March comes around I always feel sad, My mum was diagnosed on the 14th with Breast Cancer, then there's Mothers Day to deal with and the most painful one of all... the 27th ... the day she died.

I'll always remember the day she told me, it's strange because there's only certain moments that I can rememeber. I was told in school that my parents had been in as some of my class had seen them, I just assumed that they were discussing the holiday we booked in May with my teachers. When it was time to go home both of my parents were in the car and I was questioning them on the way home why they were in my school, without a real answer just' 'We'll tell you when we get in'. 

Mum sat me down on the sofa and said 'You've heard about Cancer right?'

'Yeah' I said wondering why she's asking me this. Instantly thinking oh god something's happened to my nan's, as you do.

'Well I got it' I looked away and turned back to ask 'What type?' (I didn't really know of types so where that question came from was beyond me) 'Breast' She said. 'At least you ain't losing an arm or a leg'... I was 13 at the time she told me going on 14. I didn't have a clue about Cancer at all, the most painful thing wasn't her telling me but the phone calls she had to do to let the family know she got it.

Mothers Day is a bit of a stange one for me, my fiancé still has him mother and it does pain me to see he can give presents and a card and I can not for mine. The shops really bother me, it's like an in your face reminder, I know it's the way it is and always will be but I just feel awful seeing it and being reminded, Can't be avoided I need tea bags, milk and bread so I have to face it. What I do like about it is that when I see my mum in the crem it's filled with beautiful flowers and it makes me feel like I'm not alone, a bit of comfort if you like.

Then there's the day she past, I have to book a day off work because I really can't concentrate on work. Other people have said that it would be better for me to come in but they are just opinions and I say 'Thanks but no thanks'.

My mum was in a part of the hospital specifically for cancer patients. I couldn't fault them really, they have a room and bathroom all to themselves, tv and dvd player, it's lovely fair play. Normally people are only there for 2 weeks rest bite but it was over a month with my mum. She went in when I came back from a New York trip with college, before I went for the week her fingertips were blue, I thought it was the chemo as it closes up your veins and there was no blood circulation to her hand but when I got back it was almost all of her hand was blue going on black. She went into the hospital and had drips, drivers, tablets the whole thing. It was gangrene and she has deep vein thrombosis. She didn't eat or drink for 2 weeks. Just bed bound really. 

It was a Friday, I had an argument with my brother about things with my father, I was in the shower and the phone rang, I thought if that's my brother I'm not talking to him. My father came up the stairs to use the loo and I said 'Who was that?'

'I'm sorry' he said 'She's gone' I couldn't believe it. All I could think of was I need to dry my hair and get going to see her but my father didn't want me to see her the way she was. Understnadable he was protecting me but I do wish I had seen her.

My brother came over and gave me the longest hug of our lives, it was surreal really that night because there's nothing that you can do. I was 17 going on 18 when she past. I always cry, she should be here. It's always painful.

I hope that what I have written hasn't upset anyone, that's really not my intention, I wanted to share my story so others who are going through similar know that what they are feeling and thinking is normal and that they're not alone.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story x