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Don't know how to feel or what to do...

brookel30
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Hi, 

I lost my step dad (dad to me) on the 11th Jan 2015, to Brain Cancer.

I'm really struggling to accept it, or understand it or anything i guess, i don't know if there is anyone who knows how i feel i can just talk to or i don't know. but here is my story.

My step dad brought me up from the age of 9/10 with my mom. Which is why he is my dad to me. They've been married 18 years this year. He was a fit healthy man and kindest man you'd ever meet, friendly chatty you name it.

A couple of years ago he had a DVT which he got over, then last year it came back, and the hospital treated it but from June sort of time things changed, me and my mom noticed he changed a little he started to limp around saying it was the DVT hurting his leg, then he started to have falls and was tired alot more sleeping more than usual and not really doing the things he would normally do in day to day life and work. 

In October my mom finally got him to see the doctor he was stubborn saying he was ok and that he was fine etc, our family doctor suspected Parkinson's Disease and did some tests and things back and forward to the hospital all whilst he was still taking warfrin for his DVT, and awaited a check brain scan.

In early november whilst visiting other family across the other side of the country (East midlands) he had a fall and cut his hand to which he was admitted to hospital because of the warfrin and the ecg the ambulance picked something up, my mom told the doctors what had been happening and they were disgusted at our hospital saying they should have done this and that scan, so arranged for repeat scans and this brain scan, which came back showing a mass in his brain.

At this point it was a shock we didnt know what it was, he was sent to sheffield hospital for a biopsy and he got through that ok and then we found out it was grade 4 brain cancer i know my world fell apart when i heard the words, but no-one could tell us how long we had or what would happen, doctors wanted to help him have chemo and radiotherpy as long as he wanted to and was strong enough. I was living the other side of the country (west mids) mom and dad were still staying with family in the east mids, they decided to stay there so that he could have treatment, he was all set to start the treatment as the weeks flew by after christmas, i saw him on boxing day and he had deteriated and it was a big shock, he could hardly walk and had to have help to get up stairs and do normal things like go to the loo and get dressed it hurt me to see him that way but we had hope that the treatment would help him.

New years eve he had a seziure and was back in hospital to then doctors agreed he wasn't strong enough for chemo or radiotheraphy and it was just palative care. There it was my mom told me he was going to die. but we had hope and thought we can help him and support him but the day came when the lovely (i never met her but can't thank the macmillan nurse enough) she got him a place at a hospice and he was moved there, even then mom kept me updated on the phone saying he was ok and wasn't in pain i went over to them on the tuesday till the saturday 10th jan, spoke to him, he wasn't awake he was sleeping but knew we were there if you know what i mean, he wasn't in pain he had pain relief and the hospice looked after him and my mom was allowed to stay there with him, and one of the days they let us take our dog into see him, he didn't wake up but he knew he was there my mom put chocolate in his hand to give to the dog, it was all too much for me and i couldn't cry in the room, i still don't know if he knew he was going to die and that hurts so much because ii dont want to think he was scared or anything. 

on the saturday i talked to him on my own in the room i know he could hear me i just said a few things and told him i loved him and kissed him on the head. and travelled back the other side of the country home. 

On sunday my sister rang me to tell me that he had passed away.

Its been 11 days and I don't know how i feel, one minute i'm ok one minute i'm in pieces im heartbroken he was my dad even tho step, i feel so empty and lost and i feel like i want to scream and breakdown but i can't. I can sit and cry but then one minute im ok, i've tried to keep going doing normal things but stupid things or something pops in my head then im in bits again. I don't know if its normal or what. I am trying to support my mom she's back with my sister (step) but im frightened that because she and my brother are his children that in years to come or sooner they'll disappear out of my mom and my life and my mom is all i have and I am all she has left. I live with my partner he knows how i feel but i still can't talk to him about it all.

I just don't know what to do or feel or think. i'm so lost. its all happend so very quickly none of us expected it to be this quick (i know its a blessing in a horrid disguse that he didn't have to suffer) but i don't know how to even begin to accept this. his funeral is on the 28th and i know i'm going to really hit rock bottom 

C x

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    Oh Brookel30 ==our hearts go out to you in your loss. Your dad and you were close and now its eleven days since he passed. I am so sorry - all I can say is that your precious dad is no longer suffering and is at peace. It is worse for everyone behind and I know the bewilderment you must feel as I felt it when my dad passed. Those feelings I have, have never changed but over time has become acceptance. You may ask the MacMillan nurse if she knows anyone who could offer help for you. In mean times we will put a lit candle in our front window - for you so it may light your way and offer some peace for you.

    xx

    Steven 

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    Hi Brooke, I see Steven has replied to your post and has offered you words of support and some good advice to see the nurse for some assistance in dealing with this loss. I am so sorry that you have lost your Dad, and he is your Dad in every sense of the word. You sound so all alone and apparently you and your Mom don't live close together. I'm sure if you confided in your partner, he would be more than happy to help you get through this difficult time. Think about what you would do for him if he was in this position with having lost one of his parents. I'm sure you would want to offer him support to get through this. That is what relationships are all about - being there for each other in good times and bad.

    Going through this grief is hard enough, but trying to get through it alone is impossible, so don't do this to yourself. You mentioned that you have a step-sister and brother. Perhaps they may be thinking that you and your Mom will drift away from their lives, so perhaps this would be a good time to come together in your loss and talk about your Dad. I'm sure it would bring them comfort to know how much you loved him too. It would also help to tell them that you hope all of you can maintain relationships even though your Dad is no longer here.

    Grieving is something that we all do when we lose a loved one and it is a natural and normal response to this loss. As painful as it is, it is something we have to experience. You don't want to do this by yourself. Stay in close touch with your Mom and talk with her and your sister and brother about the good times with your Dad. These memories are all part of the healing process and are so necessary for us to cope. Take advantage of whatevery supports you have with your partner, your family, and friends, and come on here to the forum where people here understand what you are going through. Let us know how you are getting along.

    Take care of yourself and I send you hugs.

    Lorraine 

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    C,

    So sorry to hear your Dad's moving and tragic story. I hope someone makes a complaint about the way he was mis-treated by your local hospital. This won't make things better but the lessons learned might save another family from going through the same anguish.

    The way you are feeling is completely natural - to react in any other way would be very unusual. From personal experience I can say that eventually the hurting does start to fade and life slowly returns to a new sort of normal.

    Talking helps, but you can't rush these things, you need to be ready to talk. Even if your partner doesn't know how to react, sharing your thoughts and feelings will help you both. 

     

    Best wishes
    Dave

    ps I hate to mention this but it is worrying me. Please don't give your dog any more chocolate as it is highly toxic to dogs. My own dog almost died after she gobbled down a whole large dark chocolate Easter Egg which she had stolen off the kitchen worktop.

    www.rspca.org.uk/.../common

  • Offline in reply to brighteyes

    Thank you Steven, your words mean so much to me right now x

  • Offline in reply to LorraineD

    Thank you Lorraine, it is very hard at the moment, my mom does live near me about ten mins drive, but becuase this happend over at my sisters the other side of the country im so far away from her at the moment, we have been talking on the phone and as much as i'm miles away they have included me in everything. 

    You are right i should open up and talk to my partner, it sounds daft but writing my feelings at the moment is so much easier than saying the words because thats when the tears come then i feel like i cannot cope. thank you for your support and advice it means alot xx

  • Offline in reply to davek

    Hello Dave, Thank you for your kind words, and you are right it is something me and my mom have discussed that we will take appriotate action in a time that feels right to us against the hospital i know myself  feel like 'what if' but i know you can't live life thinking that way it wont help. 

    I'm not sure of your circumstance but i do appricate knowing that with time the hurt will fade a little. 

    :-) It's ok it was doggie chocolate ;) xx

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