So it's been eight weeks now since I lost my mum. For some reason, I've found myself feeling really quite sad, more than usual, over the last few days. It's probably down to me going through lots of old photos, and framing some. For some reason, seeing my mum smiling in old photos just makes me upset to think about how miserable she was at the end and how she suffered with great pain. I wish I could just focus on her when she was happy. I think it's because it's Christmas almost too, I mean, I'm 26 now, Christmas wasn't really special to me anymore. I took just being around mum and her cooking a wonderful dinner without fail every year I was alive, for granted. I'm going to really miss that this year. My girlfriend is going to have to put up with my Christmas dinner, God help her!

I'm not sure I'm doing so great either. I'm pretty strong, I've managed to get on with things and function, and still smile, but I'm pretty worried with what's going on inside my head. It's getting to a point where I can see that it will start to affect my day-to-day life. I mentioned in a previous thread just after mum had died, because I needed some answers, that the way mum died, visually speaking was pretty horrific. The tumour in her lung was puting pressure on an atery, after a while it was damamged to the point that it burst/leaked, whatever. So my mum bled to death in her bed. I found her that morning covererd in blood. It was horrific, and I simply can't get the image out of my head. I have very vivid flashbacks, I can't control it. I'll be lying in bed at night and I'll suddenly be in mum's room again, on that morning, reliving it. My girlfriend said the other night when it last happened, that I was tensed up completely, and shaking uncontrollably. I thought that was bad enough, but when I manage to get some sleep, I have a recurring dream, that the hospital made a mistake, and that mum just had a nosebleed, that she's still alive. I wake up, and depending on what tired state I'm in, it usually takes me a few seconds to realise that in fact, she has gone. So a few times a week I'm waking up thinking mum's alive, and then have to realise. It's not as shocking as when it actually happened, but as you can guess, it's emotionally draining. I'm trying to come to terms with my loss and I think a t least a few times a week that she's still alive. My girlfriend thinks I have PTSD. I'm questioning seeing my GP about it, I don't think I have much choice now.

Rant over! I guerss there are others that have had worse experiences, or similar ones. I guess I'm reaching out, does it get better? 

I miss my mum so much

Thanks for reading

Mark