Hello. I am new to chat but had seen your post and just wanted to reply. I am so so sorry to hear about your dad and I completely understand how you feel. I lost my dad exactly one month ago today and no one can prepare you for how it feels. We knew that my dad wasn't going to be cured (although he had never wanted to know how long he had left) but even a few weeks before he died they were still hoping they could give him more chemo and it happened all too quickly in the end.

I know what you mean when you say that it feels surreal. I don't think that it has properly sunk in yet and as silly as its sounds I am still finding it hard to believe he is not going to walk back in the room and say something funny! It is a feeling of numb, shock, disbelief, sadness, guilt and anger all in one and at the moment getting through each day seems like a massive hurdle. I find myself thinking of all the things I should have said or done but didn't.

I guess I don't really have any advice as it is all new for me too but I am hoping that time does heal and yes it is so awful thinking that life is never going to be the same as it once was but I suppose we have to find a new way of moving on and living. Happy memories hopefully will help us through and I like to think that my dad is watching over and wouldn't want me to feel sad, even though I know it will be a long process.

I think you are doing amazingly well, you are so young (I am 33 but still finding it all too much!) and your mum and younger siblings are so lucky to have you. All you can do is be there for them.

Keep in touch and please don't feel alone.

Lots of love xx

Hi o-w,

I'm so sorry you are grieving so badly, but please be reassured all your feelings are completely normal.  I don't think any of us actually understand how much grief hurts both emotionally and physically, until we actually experience it (yes grief actually does make our bodies physically hurt).  It is such early days for you and you will have a rollercoaster of emotions.  I can tell you from experience it takes a long, long time to come to terms with everything and to find what is a new normal.  You are so very young and I really hope that you have support around you.  I know you are now on school holidays, but upon return it may be worth speaking to a teacher or head of year as there are mentors in school that can help you talk through your feelings.  Also it will be helpful for teachers to understand what you are going through and will take the pressure off your workload.

You ask how long it takes to feel a sense of normality, I think it is different for everybody; there is no right or wrong in grieving and no time limit.  I lost both my parents last year, I am an adult but it has taken me this long to even begin to feel a sense of normality again.  I don't know if the hurt ever goes completely away, but what happens is that the pain becomes less raw and we slowly adjust to a new normal. I understand how you are finding it hard to deal with the fact that you didn't say a last goodbye, I myself felt similar as I was not with my Mum when she died.  I had gone home earlier that evening believing there would be another day, and like you I beat myself up about it for a long while.  However in time I have come to accept things the way they happened and you will too.  Your Dad will have known how much you loved him; you could have said goodbye a thousand times but it would have still been difficult and the love you shared remains the same no matter what.  Please look after yourself and let us know how you are doing.  Hope x

Hey man,

The other people who have replied have covered the advice and whatnot that you need in a fair bit of detail so I mainly just want to tell you to stay strong, talk to your family, look through photos of your dad, replay the memories that make you the happiest, talk about him and plug through life as best as you can. My brother had to sit his AS exams 3 days after Mum's funeral and he managed to pull one decent grade out the bag so it is possible to find some normality you'll just have to put on a brave face some of the time and grit your teeth in order to get through it. If you've got friends who are happy to sit and listen to you talking then that's great. I would definitely recommend telling your teachers as there is obviously a chance that your school work will suffer for a bit and you may need to get extra help and possibly have one to one time with teachers if you are struggling. Since Mum died I haven't been able to focus on things, I forget a lot of stuff and I swing between feeling ok and feeling like my chest is caving in, so it will continue to be an emotional rollercoaster for a while.

It's not easy, I won't lie, but talking to people and remembering the wonderful man for who he was helps make things a bit easier to deal with. I will repeat the sentiment that, you are not alone. There are always people here for you.

So sorry to hear of you loss my dad died of cancer 6 weeks ago he was my world we was so close i also lost my mum a few years ago  i feel so lost i hope with all all my heart that you find the strengh to get though this sorry i cant help with any advice but i do no how you feel  i did get the chance to say good bye but didnt make it any easier  i hope one day i will be able to smile again instead of feeling pain that dosnt go away godbless and my heart goes out to all the people who has lost a loved one  though cancer xx

Hi my lovely dad past last march 2014 with terminal cancer. I am so sorry you have lost such an important person in your lives... iam 50 this year i have 3 children aged 24, 14 and 12 and a grandson.  My lovely dad known as Patchie was such a figure in all our lives.  We will miss him every day and we always think of him.. i wondered how i was ever going to get on without him its just so hard. I take pleasure in my memories and all the good he did.  I always talk about him and i talk to my girls about him.  I know its so painful but im sure your dad would want you to be strong and carry on.  I bet hes looking down and feeling very proud.  Take care remember to always talk to someone. Best wishes eve.x

Hi, it's 3 weeks since my dad dies at the age of 56 to pancreatic cancer. We had 11 from diagnosis till he died. It hurts like hell that now that the funeral is past, everyone else seems to be moving on and life hasn't changed for anyone else except my mam and sisters. I hate it. I have to go back to work on Thursday to the same ward which he died in. I don't know if I can do it. I hate cancer 

Hi Em's

Condolences on the loss of your dad.

You aren't alone here, as you can see from this discussion, sadly there are others who have had similar experiences to you who will understand how you are feeling now.

I wonder if your employers will allow you to work in a different ward while you get used to going back to work?

Keep in touch and let us know how you are getting on,

Best wishes to you and your family,

Jane

My dad had a bad back Christmas age 72 his doctor just gave him pain killers that did not work ? Gave him 3 blood test and each time said there was something there but was not sure what? After some time dad when for a scan and then was told to go to Hammersmith hospital , they done a chest X ray and said there was a mass ? He had a biospy after a week still didn't no anything then they sent him to another hospital and said 5 shots of raydiam ,2days later he lost the use of his legs ? They said your legs will come back ! Week later the doctor said we found no cancer cells in you lung we all cried ! Following dad was told its in your lung your bones and you have 6mobth, not only did dad loss the use of his legs he was sent home and died 5 weeks later! I hate what cancer done my life will never be the same again x

Hello fleur,

Thanks for sharing your story. We are so sorry to hear about what happened to your dad. Our sincere condolences.  Many on this forum share your feelings and also feel that their life will never be the same again.

Perhaps you could also start your own thread on the forum? Here are some guidelines on how to start your own discussion. It will give your post some more visibility so don't hesitate to start a new thread and I am sure others will be along to share their experience of losing a loved one with you.

Best wishes,

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator