My grandad has head and neck cancer, more specifically nasal and paranasal sinus cancer. How do I know so specifically? I have a current placement in a cancer rehabilitation service. He had an obvious tumour growing inside is nose/sinuses and every time I see a picture I cry, I grieve my grandad. I then go into a spiral of feeling sad for the fact he knows he’s dying, he knows he’s not getting treatment and he knows because he’s fully cognitive. I then feel sad for my dad, who’s losing his dad, the man who everyone knows is his dad because they’re SO similar. Then I’m sad for my gran, who relies on him so much. 

I lay in bed knowing that he’s going to die and I just cry and cry knowing that one day I see him, it could very well be his last. And, so I don’t see him. I can’t, I can’t look at him knowing how he was before all of this and it’s horrible because I’m not seeing him. I’m not making the time to go see him and I feel awful. I don’t live particularly near but I have a car, I could very well go and see him. But yet, I’m on placement and I have one day off a week. 

anyway I’m grieving someone who’s still alive, still got his same personality, still up and about, and yet I can’t bring myself to see him.