Hi everyone,

I’ve been reading posts here for a while but have only just found the courage to write my own.

A few weeks ago, I lost my dad to oesophageal cancer. He was diagnosed with advanced cancer, and from that moment everything changed so quickly. Watching someone you love become weaker every day is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. I stayed by his side as much as I could, and although I’m grateful I was there with him, the memories of his final days are something I can’t seem to escape.

I keep asking myself the same questions over and over. Did he know I was there? Was he frightened? Did he know how much I loved him? I know people tell me he would have known, but grief has a way of making you doubt everything.

I’m only 34 and have now lost both of my parents. Some days I don’t even recognise myself anymore. I feel like I’ve lost a part of who I am. I’m trying so hard to be the best mum I can be for my eight-year-old daughter, but inside I feel completely broken. I have nightmares, I don’t sleep properly, and I can go from feeling numb to crying without any warning.

People keep saying that time helps, but right now I can’t imagine ever feeling like myself again. The world has carried on as if nothing has happened, yet mine feels like it has stopped.

I suppose I’m writing because I don’t want to feel so alone. If you’ve lost someone to oesophageal cancer, or you’ve cared for a parent at the end of their life, how did you cope with the guilt, the constant questions, and the overwhelming sadness? Does it ever become easier to carry?

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. It means more than you know.