Hello,

I’m not really sure why I’m posting. I think I just need to get everything out and maybe hear from people who understand.

My 73 year old mum was admitted to hospital six weeks ago with jaundice, where they put a stent in. About a week later we were told she had bile duct cancer that had already spread to the lymph nodes around her pancreas and upper bowel. It was stage 4, so the only possible treatment was chemo and immunotherapy.

Unfortunately, things just seemed to go from bad to worse. She developed infections, became much frailer and lost more of her mobility. She'd already been struggling with spinal stenosis and was actually due to have surgery this month. Then she fractured her wrist, developed another infection which turned into sepsis, and ended up needing oxygen all the time. Because of everything that happened, she never became well enough to start treatment.

She spent five weeks in hospital and never made it home.

After she became septic, I stayed by her bedside 24/7 (I have a young family and work which I have had to step back from). The doctors eventually told us there was nothing more they could do and that she might only have until the weekend. I asked for her to be transferred to a hospice and, while we were waiting, I asked for a side room so she could have some privacy and dignity if the worst happened.

One thing that really breaks my heart is that Mum loved the ward she was on. The nurses had got to know both of us so well over those five weeks. They weren't just looking after her anymore – they became our support too. When she was moved into the side room on another ward, I could tell she was distressed, although by then she could only manage a few words.

We spent 48 hours together in that room. She started showing signs that she was nearing the end – glassy eyed, losing most of her verbal communication, becoming agitated and restless, and constantly trying to pull off her oxygen mask. I didn't leave her side once.

On Monday she was finally transferred to the hospice. The move itself was quite traumatic, but once we got here everything felt calmer. She's being looked after with so much kindness, respect and dignity, and I honestly couldn't ask for more.

The sad thing is she was only able to open her eyes for the first few hours after arriving. Since then she's been unconscious. We've now been here for two days, and we've been told we could lose her at any time.

One thing I'm really struggling with is wondering whether the decisions I made upset her. She loved her ward and the nurses there, and I worry that moving her into the side room, and then to the hospice, caused her distress. I know why I made those decisions, and I wanted her to have privacy, dignity and the best possible care, but I can't stop questioning whether I did the right thing. I keep wondering if she understood why we were moving her or if she felt frightened by it.

It's so hard to believe that just six weeks ago she went into hospital with jaundice, and now we're sitting here saying goodbye. Everything has happened so unbelievably fast.

I'm absolutely heartbroken, but I'm so grateful that I've been able to stay with her throughout all of this. Right now I'm just sitting with her, holding her hand, making sure she knows she's not alone