My mum passed away on 29th May this year, and I don't know how to cope anymore.

I'm 35 years old and had lived with my mum my entire life. We were incredibly close. I was also her carer, so my whole life revolved around looking after her. Now the house is silent, and I feel completely lost.

What makes it so much harder is how everything happened.

Earlier this year she was diagnosed with stage 4 non-small cell lung cancer. It completely blindsided us. Before all this she was completely fine only 64 and she only really had a cough. We honestly thought she would get treatment and we'd have years together. Her cancer had a high PD-L1 level, so she started immunotherapy, and for a little while things actually seemed to improve. Her breathing got better, she was walking around again, talking more, and we started to believe the treatment was working.

Then everything changed.

The cancer had spread to the lining around her brain (leptomeningeal disease), and she became confused almost overnight. She wasn't herself anymore. She couldn't use her phone or the TV remote, she became delirious, and she would have moments where she didn't seem to know what was happening. It was heartbreaking because physically she sometimes looked like she was improving, but mentally she was slipping away from us and it broke my heart.

She also developed fluid around her lungs, making it difficult for her to breathe. She was in and out of hospital, on oxygen, steroids, antibiotics, and eventually a syringe driver. Every time we thought there was a little bit of hope, something else happened.

I still torture myself wondering if something could have been done differently. I keep thinking, "What if they'd drained the fluid sooner?" or "What if the treatment had been given earlier?" I know people tell me not to think like that, but my mind goes there every single day.

She died just a few months after being diagnosed. I was with her at the end, and although I'm grateful I was there, the memories are incredibly traumatic. I can't stop replaying everything in my head from the diagnosis until the day she died.

Since losing her, I've been struggling more than I can put into words. I cry every day. I barely recognise myself anymore. I have constant anxiety, I don't enjoy anything, I feel exhausted all the time, and I keep thinking about how life will never feel normal again. I miss the little things the most—hearing her voice, making her a cup of tea, watching TV together, just knowing she was there.

Even my two elderly dogs seem to miss her, and the house feels empty without her.

I also feel incredibly alone. Most people around me seem to expect me to be getting better by now, but if anything, I feel worse. The shock has worn off, and now the reality that she's never coming back is hitting me harder every day.

Has anyone else lost a parent this suddenly? Does this constant guilt, replaying everything, and feeling like you've lost your purpose ever ease? Right now it feels impossible to imagine a future where this doesn't hurt so much and future without my beautiful mum

Thank you if you've taken the time to read this. I just needed to tell someone who might understand