My nana (91) was diagnosed with multiple cancers on the 20th of December. She’d been complaining of back pain and ‘not feeling well’ for over a year. I knew something was seriously wrong around her birthday in June and tried to get her to see a doctor. My nana was a spiritual lady and had been watching videos on YouTube about how we’re all moving not the ‘5th dimension’ and we could all expect some discomfort while we transitioned. I’m not in any doubt that she would not have accepted treatment but she was in so much pain and she didn’t need to be. She’d been using tubes and tubes of  ibuprofen gel and packets of over the counter painkillers. 
When I got to the hospital the doctors told me the cancer was in her stomach, lungs and liver and I heard Nana tell them how she’d been in so much pain she couldn’t sleep or eat and how if she’d had the energy she would have taken her own life. 

I’m 25 and I’ve been caring for my mum for a long time, she is 63 and has chronic fatigue, dyslexia and is Nuro divergent, Nana was my main supporter as she’s really the only other person who truly understands how hard it is to care for my mum.
I asked my mum to talk to Nana about seeing a doctor, but she believed what my nana said about the ‘5th dimension’, her response was the same as Nanas  ‘it’s just ascension symptoms, you wouldn’t understand’. 

After the diagnosis I had to care for both of them, it was too much for me. I couldn’t be at Nanas house all the time as I had work and other commitments. One night while I was at home (I don’t drive) The hospice at home team put a slippy sheet on her bed to help my mum move Nana more easily (her bed had no sides, we were still waiting for a hospital bed to be delivered) Nana fell out of bed less than an hour after they’d left and she was on the floor for 4 hours waiting for the ambulance service to come and help her back into bed. I told every doctor, nurse and medical professional that I couldn’t cope with looking after both of them, Nana told them too and begged them to let her stay in hospital. The help we received was the bare minimum and sadly I was still grateful. Eventually a space became available for her in the hospice and she died a few days later on the 18th of February. 

She left her house to my mum (who is the most indecisive person in the world) we live an hours drive away in a council house, which I’m now terrified of being kicked out of because it’s my home, my job is here not to mention my support network. I have borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety and change is one of my biggest triggers. 
I feel our best option is to sell the house Nana left us and either buy our council house or buy another house locally, some days my mum agrees but sometimes she doesn’t.
When I stay at Nanas house now I just hear her calling out to me like she did when she was ill, it’s not a gentle call, it’s urgent and pained. 

I have so much work to do clearing it, cleaning it, decorating it and that’s not to mention the mouse problem which I’ve recently discovered is far worse than we originally realised.

I just want to feel safe and secure while I grieve and I know it’s just not going to happen. I needed help, I still need help and there’s no one there. I need my Nanas help to look after my mum, and she’s not here. 

I don’t know how to get through this, I don’t think I have the strength and I’m really scared. I have a history of trying to *unalive myself* and I’m scared if I don’t get some sort of help soon there won’t be anyone to look after my mum.
I don’t want to my dad and my dog to feel abandoned if I go. 
but I just want to be with nana.