Hello all, 

I guess I probably need to vent more than anything because to be honest, (in the nicest possible way).. nothing anyone says can bring Mum back :( 

My beautiful Mama passed away just over 2 months ago and wow it certainly hasn't got easier. Not that I thought it would be but it's the hardest it's been at this point. I'm struggling to function with day to day life and in a VERY dark place right now. The lead up to Mum's passing was traumatic. She was only 57 and so full of life. It's unbelievable what cancer has done (metastatic breast cancer). She fought so hard right until the end. I struggle so much to get those images out of my head from the hospice. It absolutely breaks my heart how much she suffered. She was on an insane amount of pain meds and then heavily sedated towards the end. It pains me so much when I think about what she endured. I struggle to think of life before cancer with her and I don't know why :(

We were best friends, soul mates even and partners in crime. She was my favourite person in the entire world and absolutely no one compares. I'm so lost because I no longer have my person. My beautiful Mum who we did everything together. Holidays, coffees out, shopping, phone calls every day and texting all through the day. We knew each other inside out, it's like we were in sync all of the time and I miss her beyond words :( I still can't fathom that this is real. I keep thinking it's a horrific nightmare that I'll wake up from. I'm struggling to accept it. She was such a beautiful person and so loved by everyone that knew her. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through and i can't even cry to my Mum about it and get her warm and loving hugs :'(

I'm definitely depressed. I have had dark thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore. Wanting to act on it but scared because of religious beliefs. But when it's so overwhelming like that I don't know what to do with myself. I'm beyond speaking to the samaritans at this point because I've done that previously but got to a point where I feel beyond help. I have zero motivation for anything. I have lost interest in everything. I'm currently on sick with work and the thought of going back.. I just couldn't care less right now about a job that i once loved. I've easily put at least a stone on because all I want to do is isolate at home and eat rubbish. I live on my own too which makes it easy to indulge in this behavior. Just to add, I've has issues with depression on and off for years but due to everything that's happened with my Mum it's obviously exasperated it to a scary new level.  

Things I'm currently doing are therapy, I went to my GP and have been prescribed antidepressants (need to collect the prescription), I'm on a waiting list for counselling with the hospice where my Mum passed. I see family sometimes but I struggle with having to put on a front. I desperately want to get into some healthy eating and exercise but I just feel beyond hope right now. Every single day I have no desire for anything. I live off of the easiest, convenient food possible. I've lost myself completely. I don't feel like me, I don't even really look like me because I have no energy to put the effort in like I used to. Everything overwhelms me. I just don't know how on earth to get out of this dark hole. The antidepressants were a last resort for me as well but I'm desperate to just be able to function and do normal day to day life because at the end of the day my bills aren't going to pay themselves :(

Anyway if you read that, thank you. Just needed to vent more than anything.