I can't do this by myself, I need my mum

I lost my dad when I was 8 years old to stomach cancer, it was very hard I cried alot but I always had my mum. I always knew that as long as mum was here everything would be okay. Me and my mum were very close, since my brother went to university, it was just me and mum, we did everything together. I had a very hard time at school and didn't  have many friends but it was okay because mum was there, mum always knew what to do and what to say. She was my everything.  I'm 16 now and I loved my life i was going to a new school for sixth form, I had good friends,  my GCSE'S were going well and I worked really hard to do well in them and me and mum had been planning our summer. It's a long summer  because of exams and when ever I would get stressed about exams mum would tell me about how great summer was going to be. Then one morning,  the morning of my maths gcse paper my auntie Julie woke me up saying that mum had just gone to hospital because she had severe back pain. I should context this by saying that ever since my dad passed I would get horrible dreams of something happening to mum, so I got to school but then before my exam I had a panic attack about what if something was seriously wrong with mum. After I calmed down and sat my exam, I went to the hospital to see mum and she told me they think she just has a trapped nerve, or severe sciatica. So we went home the next day but I sat down with mum and asked what was the worse thing this could be? ( my mum was an advanced nurse practitioner in oncology,  so she knew alot about medical stuff) , mum said the worse thing it could be was a very slow nerve deteriation desease like multiple sclerosis,  so I relaxed, because was always right and I trusted mum. So she got told not to drive for a while and mum told me she would have a small operation to release tension on a trapped nerve. So that weekend I went on a sleepover only to be woken up by my friends mum at 3am to say that my aunts were coming to pick me up because mum had been rushed to hospital.  Mum was in resuscitation because mum had a brain tumour and it had bled. A glioblastoma. Incurable. Your mum is not going to get better. Turns out mum knew she had a brain tumour but didn't know how bad it was or that it was a glioblastoma and that surgery to relieve pressure from a trapped nerve was actually a surgery to try to remove the tumor. May 24th mum went in to resuscitation,  July 2nd mum died in hospice. In 3 months,  my mum, my favourite person, my life, my way of living , my everything is gone. What am I meant to do, I'm 16 and I have to sit here alone in my bed and just carry on with my life. Keep living,  no parents, and all this adult responsibility at i think the worst time in my life. When my dad passed away my mum was my light at the end of the tunnel, but now she's gone what do I have. 

  • Dear Evie,

    I'm deeply sorry about your situation 

    Please remember that your parents wish You to go on. To be happy.  That's what would be more important for them.

    Please do what You know would make them proud.

  • Hi Evie.m,

    Welcome to Cancer Chat. I just wanted to send a reply to your post to welcome you to the forum and also to offer condolences for what you have been through, and are going through. This must be incredibly tough.

    I'm not sure if you have others around you for support that you can speak to about this, whenever you feel you'd like to. It's important to speak to others so do keep doing this where possible - including to others on this forum, if you find this helpful. It is a safe space to write things down and reach out to others.

    There are some options to explore if you'd like to - such as Grief Encounter and also Hope Again. There is also Cruse. These organisations have resources as well as helplines and can be a helpful place to turn to if you are struggling.

    We are always here for you, so do keep in touch with how you're getting on.

    Take things as slow as you can - a day at a time, or less - and do take care.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Ben
    Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Dear Evie.m

    I am so sorry to hear about your Mum she sounds an amazing and lovely person.

    And you are so wise to reach out for support Im sure your Mum would be glad you are doing this. 

    You mention your Aunt and I wonder how close /able to share with her you are? 

    when my Mum died i would write letters to her you might be doing this already in a note book or similar it helped me 

    The information the moderator has given is a good place to talk to when your ready and you could try your local Mind and young peoples services too 

    Also Macmillan have a helpline open seven days per week phone and online 

    Most of all remember 

    Take one hour at a time and know that you are not alone and that light of your mums is always with you inside. You will have up days and down days but you are stronger than you know and you can and will go on.

    Keep in touch here if it helps

    Sending you hug 

    RB 

     

  • Hello Evie, 

    Your mum sounds wonderful, my mum helped me through losing my dad too! It seems so unfair that we only want to hug the person we have lost when we lose them. I lost my mum in December and it is so very difficult. I am taking one day at a time. Today has been really hard again, but 9 months in I do have a few positive days. I think about my mum every single day. 
    One thing that has helped me is to write a journal of letters to my mum. I was doing this everyday but now it’s every few days with all the things I would have told her if she was still here. 

    As others have said, take one day at a time. 

  • Thank you I might try that xxx

  • Hello Evie.m,

    A very warm welcome to our forum.

    I am so sorry to hear that you have lost your mum at such a formative stage of your life. Do you have a close relationship with your brother or your aunts, or even a close friend who you can talk to? You will find that it is better to talk about your mum and be careful not to bottle up your feelings. I know that it is still early days for you and you are probably finding it difficult to remember much other than the horrors of the past few months, but there were happier times, which you will soon be able to recall. Your mum sounded like a remarkable woman, coping with losing her husband so young and still carrying on with caring for her 2 young children, along with a very responsible job. You will never lose her completely, as you will always carry her in your heart. 

    When my mum died, I found it helpful to place a nice photograph of her in a prominent place and, like Rhubarbdragon and Devondreamer with their journals, I would talk to her about how I felt and how I missed her, or even what had happened that day. I found this a great comfort. Initially these chats were very frequent, but they have gradually reduced over the years. This is not because I miss her any less, but because I have gradually come to accept the inevitable. It is now 28 years since mum passed and I still miss her every day, but I have tried to live my life in a way that would have made her proud and have instilled a lot of her values in my own two children.

    I am sure that if you can do the same for your parents, they will be looking down on you with extreme pride. Try to give your all to your studies and let them see that you are doing well, despite the extreme challenges that you've been given to overcome. There is no set time frame for grieving. We all do it at our own pace. Some people find it helpful to talk to a counsellor. If you feel that this would help you, your school should be able to arrange this for you, Many of the cancer charities also offer free counselling services. There are Maggie's Centres dotted throughout the UK. If you have one of these nearby, all you need to do is to phone to make a appointment. I have used their services myself and found them very helpful.

    You are not alone in your struggles. Talk to your family first of all and let them know how you really feel, Support one another. If you need more than this, don't be afraid to seek help. You will come out of this experience a stronger and more resilient person.

    Please keep in touch and remember that we are always here for you.

    Big Hugs,

    Jolamine xx