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Lost my dad two days ago

VickieC
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My dad was given the worst news possible in December 2023. He was given two years to live as it was found to be untreatable. My dad put up a fight against the cancer, he fought so hard and we did have some victories along the way, finding out the cancer shrunk (but grew in the other places). My dad protected us a lot and kept a lot of stuff to himself. Unfortunately my dad lost the fight two days ago and I have found it so difficult having to carry on without him. I have two young children that miss him so much. My mum misses him and is now reliant on me to be there for her. I just want my dad back 

  • Hi Vickie, 

    I just came across your post and wanted to offer you a very warm welcome to the forum, and to also offer my heartfelt sympathies for your loss.

    Coping with grief is very difficult but I hope you can take some strength, and comfort, from knowing that our community are here for you Vickie and I'm sure some of our members who have experienced the pain and heartbreak losing a loved one brings will be along soon to offer you their support and advice.

    I know nothing I can say can make this any easier, but I hope it helps to know that our thoughts are with you at this time.

    Kind regards,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Steph

    Hi Steph

    Thank you for your reply. I do think I would benefit from some support. I have lost many family members but the grief I am feeling right now is beyond what I have ever felt. I have no appetite and I have isolated myself from friends. My husband is very worried about me. I just don't know what to say to anyone. Usually I am great when it comes to words but I just can't bring myself to reply to messages or answer any calls right now. I'm not sure when I will be ready but I do miss my friends

  • Offline in reply to VickieC

    Hi Vickie,

    I am so sorry to hear about your dad and offer my deepest condolences. It is never easy to lose a loved one, but particularly a parent, who you have depended upon for your entire life. Although you have known that this day would come, it doesn't make it any easier, when that day arrives. There are different stages of grief. It is still early days, so be kind to yourself. You are dreading having to reply to anyone who meets or contacts you. I too, found that very hard. Just give yourself time - most of your friends will know and understand how you feel at present.

    You will deal with your own grief in your time any your way. There is no prescriptive answer to this. When you've had a little more time to reflect on your loss, you will realise that your dad would not have wished your life to be subsumed by grief, like this. He would want you to live the best life that you can and to bring his grandchildren up in the best way that you can. You will never forget your dad. You will always hold him in your heart. You will eventually get back to living amongst your friends, just give yourself time. Can I ask what ages your children are and how they have coped with this? Try not to bottle up your feelings. It makes all the difference to talk to people about how you feel. I found it helpful to place a nice photo in a prominent place and I often stopped to have a chat as I passed by. This may sound daft, but it really did help me!

    Do you have any siblings who can share the care for your mum? It must be especially hard for you to support her, when you are feeling so low. Talking about your dad with her and recalling happier times might help you both.

    Please keep in touch. We are always here for you.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

  • Offline in reply to Jolamine

    Hi Jolamine

    Thank you for your message. I have dreaded that day since December 2023. I have always known it was coming, I just didn't want it to come. It really upsets me to think how much money goes in to cancer research, yet they still haven't found a cure. I am thankful for how far we have come because without the new treatments, I may not have had this long with my dad, but it upsets me that he was not ready to go, he was young. 

    You are right, my dad wouldn't want me to continue down this path of self neglect. I am so envious of seeing other people smiling and laughing, knowing my world has come to a stand still. My children are 12 and 5. My eldest is really struggling with the loss, my youngest understands to a degree but continues to ask when is he coming back. I am an only child so it's just me, my husband and kids. My mum has siblings that are there for her and checking in all the time, which I am thankful for. 

    I have found that I feel close to my dad when I am sat in the garden. I look to the sky and talk to him, sounds crazy but it brings me peace to think he is listening. I knew my grief would over power me but I never thought I would completely isolate myself. I am usually a social person. I just want to smile but I feel guilt for living when my dad no longer is 

  • Offline in reply to VickieC

    Hi Vickie,

    We got similar news with my father-in-law, just 2½ months after losing my mother-in-law. Sadly, we only got 5 days from diagnosis to the day that he passed. He was a man in a million - a very special person and we dreaded the day that we would have to say our final farewell. I lost my mum to cancer too and, although there was only 13 years between her passing and my diagnosis, I found that diagnosis, treatment and after care had all made tremendous advancements in the interim.

    Sadly, research hasn't brought us all of the answers yet, but it is making progress and we can only hope that one day soon, we will all beat this horrible disease. I am glad that you got some time with your dad before he passed, but it doesn't make his passing any easier.

    Your eldest is of an age where s/he will understand something of what is going on. Children are very aware of any changes in their life and, even your youngest, will be aware of this. It must be hard for you being an only child, but I am glad to hear that your mum is also getting help from her own siblings.

    I am so glad to hear that you have found a space in your garden, where you can talk to your dad - this doesn't sound at all crazy to me - we all need a bolt hole at times. Your dad is the last person in the world, who would want you to to feel guilt at smiling, when he is not here. Try to live your life through his principles and you will gradually claw your way back.

    I am always here if you need to talk.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

  • Offline in reply to Jolamine

    Hi Jolamine 

    Sounds like you had a very challenging and upsetting time when you lost your loved ones. I lost three of my grandparents in the space of one year when I was 15 years old - one to cancer. 

    I am glad to have spent time with him before he passed but I still think it was never enough. You really don't realise how much you take for granted until it's too late. I will probably carry this burden with me for the rest of my life, the guilt is suffocating. 

    My eldest is finding it hard to carry on at school but I am proud of him for returning to his new 'normal'. I spoke to his school the day before my dad passed and managed to put some support in place for him. 

    I know my dad wants me to carry on and live a happy life, I just can't bring myself to do anything right now. I am in the thick of my grief, I still have his funeral to arrange with my mum. I am going to see my dad today, I feel my safest when with my dad. Looking back at photos from when I was younger, it reminds me how much I was always for my dad. All the happy times I had with him. I'm hoping to bring those memories to the front of my mind, it's just so hard to get past how his final moments went. They're the thoughts that are stuck in my mind and it just continues to upset me

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