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Stepdaughter being difficult after losing my beloved husband. I'm trying my best but I don't know how to cope with this

Best1
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I very sadly lost my husband at the beginning of January.  I thought I was doing OK, but in honesty, I am just doing what people expect of me. They don't see the real me, the one who struggles to get up in the morning, the one who has to carry on working as though everything is fine. It seems like no one now acknowledges the fact that my husband was fading away the whole of last year.

To top it all, one of my stepdaughters seems intent on causing a fight with me.  Unfortunately her dad didn't leave any inheritance for her and her sister,  this was only because he gave them whatever he had, whilst he was alive. He didn't have any secret monies saved anywhere. He died without a will,  his arguement being that he didnt have anything to leave.

One of my stepdaughters is now saying that she wants to come round to have a look to see what she wants, she wants half the ashes.  My only problem with the ashes is I was fine for her to have a small amount for memorial jewellery etc. But I feel that we are not going to be scattering all of him. It's almost like we are dismantling him and he won't be whole anymore. I have kept all my texts very sympathetic and basically agree mostly to her demands, even when I know she is trying to provoke an arguement. 

She has always been difficult, her dad was concerned that she would take her grief out on me and that is exactly what is happening.  When my husband was alive she would fly off the handle and bully him until she got what she wanted.  There are mental health issues involved on her side, I am trying my best to keep a level head.  The problem Is i dread hearing from her, it's feels like she thinks I am completely over his death,  in truth I am barely functioning myself. Her texts just reawaken all the awful feelings again and really sully my lovely memories of a wonderful man and husband. Can someone please help me navigate my way through this. 

Thank-you 

  • Hi Best1,
    I’m sorry to hear about the difficult situation you’re going through. Losing your husband must have been heartbreaking, and it sounds like you’ve been trying your best to cope, even though it’s clear that you’re still struggling.
    It sounds like your stepdaughter’s behaviour is adding an extra layer of stress to an already tough time. I can imagine how painful it must be, not just losing your husband, but now facing this added tension with her. You’re doing incredibly well to remain composed and keep communication respectful, even when she’s being difficult, but it’s also important to remember that your feelings and boundaries are just as valid as anyone else’s.
    If you feel that the situation is becoming too much to handle on your own, it might help to consider setting some clear boundaries with your stepdaughter. It’s okay to express your grief and let her know how her actions are affecting you. Grief can make people react in ways that don’t always make sense to others, but that doesn’t mean you should carry the burden alone or allow yourself to be mistreated.
    You may also find it helpful to explore some resources that offer advice on how to cope with these complex family dynamics during a time of grief. We have a helpful page on our website that might give you some practical suggestions for navigating relationships with family and friends during such a difficult time. You can find it here: Coping with grief and family dynamics.
    Additionally, you might want to consider reaching out to Cruse Bereavement Care, an organisation that specialises in offering support to people who are grieving. They provide free services, including counselling and helplines, which could offer you the emotional support you need to navigate through your grief.
    Hopefully others who have gone through a similar experience will be here shortly to offer advice and support.
    Please take care of yourself during this difficult time, and know that we’re here for you whenever you need to talk.
    Wishing you strength,

    Renata, Cancer Chat Moderator

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