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Dads ashes being buried far away, Mum also wanting to move back home far away from me.

mistygrey
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Hi 

My Dad sadly passed away at a Hospice in Scotland after a battle with lymphoma that lasted around 16 months. He died a couple of weeks ago. Mum went back to Ireland where she’s from after his cremation and I’m in the city we live in alone with my partner. Mum has now said she’s taking dad’s ashes to Ireland in a plot so she can be with him when she dies too. She also mentioned she now wants to move to Ireland she left there when she was 18 and hasn’t lived there since but said she wants to go back, she would be leaving me alone in the city we live in despite having a partner I don’t have any other close family and my brother and I don’t get on at all but he lives abroad anyway so I’d never see him. 
I cent help feel hurt I can never visit my dads grave without flying to Ireland, also the fact Mum would rather move away than stay closer to me as when she gets older this will be difficult and I am also at times very unwell with a few health conditions I have so it will be unlikely ill be able to go see her when she moves much, I also work too. It all feels abit sudden that I’ve lost my dad and now won’t be able to visit his grave without it a huge journey from Scotland and now mum will be leaving too when she goes. It’s alot of loss in a short space of time. I want mum to be happy but I know for a fact if dad was alive she would never dream of moving back to where she’s from as there is alot of family politics with her daily there and she’s always been glad to get home in the past away from them after her short visits. I feel I’ve been pushed out and can’t help feel upset about it all. 

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    Hello mistygrey, so sorry to hear what you are going through, but unfortunately there's not much you can do about this situation.  It seems like your Mum has made her mind up to return to the place of her birth, and frankly, this is not uncommon.  Lots of folks decide to return to their own country after spending most of their lives living somewhere else.  Your Mum isn't rejecting you......she is simply doing what feels right for HER.  I think that sometimes we don't look upon our Mothers as separate beings with needs of their own......even when we are adults, we seem to expect our Mothers to constantly put us first, even at the expense of their own happiness.  Yes, you want your Mother near you, especially after losing your Father, but we can't always have what we want.  You say that you won't be able to visit your Father's grave very often, but quite honestly , Ireland is not a million miles from Scotland is it?  It's not as if your Mother is moving to America or Canada.  The only thing you can do is to wish your Mother well and try to understand her need to return to her home country, no matter how bad things were or are there.  Try to visit as often as you can, even though it will probably be tough, as you mention you have some health issues.  You will get used to it, I promise you.   Human beings have an incredible ability to adjust to tough situations.  Good luck.  

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