I lost my bestfriend and my world on Christmas day. I can't believe I'm even writing these words - it feels surreal.
My mum was diagnosed with late stage lung cancer in June. She refused treatment and opted in for palliative care. She seemed to be doing okay just 2 weeks ago. She was chatting away in the living room with a glass of wine but then she declined so much Christmas week. She didn't even need morphine before this really and managed to control the pain with ibuprofen.
She also had osteoporosis, I'm not sure if it was all linked but she suddenly was in so much pain. The palliative nurses couldn't keep on top of it and despite giving her morphine and increasing it , it didn't seem to help. Then her breathing got bad, she became so wheezy and could barely talk. All of this happened within a week. I saw her on Christmas day and she was in bed and I couldn't believe I was talking to the same mum I was 2 weeks ago. She didn't want to eat really anymore but despite being so weak she managed to say how much she loved me.
I didn't think that was the end. I still had hope she would get better and this was just a bad moment and I don't know, adjusting to the morphine or something. But 5pm that afternoon, we had left to give her some rest. My dad helped her out the bathroom and she had a cardiac arrest, collapsed, and slipped away in his arms. The paramedics tried to save her but there wasn't really anything they could do. Her bones and lungs were so fragile by that point that she would have been hooked up to machines if they did bring her back. She always told us she didn't want to get to that stage.
And that was that. My beautiful mum, my bestfriend who was the strongest woman I ever knew died on Christmas day.
I'm still in shock how this all declined so quickly. I feel like from diagnoses, the NHS really let her down and we had such a lack of support. There was no care or empathy from them and ill never forgive the doctors and nurses who cared for her (apart from one called Kim who was very kind). The rest couldn't care less.
How do I even deal with this pain? Our mum was everything, everything was about my mum. The house is all her, Christmas was about her, even my dad lived for her. I have no idea how to support him in this as he is truly, truly lost. We all are. She was the center of our universe and living in this world without her seems impossible.
The grief is unbearable. I even physically collapse when I have the waves of pain. I feel at the moment I don't want to carry on without her. I spoke to her more or less every single day, even about stupid things, stress at work or the colour I'm getting my nails done. And now she's suddenly gone. Does this get better? I suppose I'm looking for any glimmer of hope right now.
The only peace I have is that my mum really did leave us on her own terms- at home and in my dad's arms. We didn't get to the point to a hospice or mum being hooked up to machines. But I know she wouldn't have wanted to go on Christmas day- a day she used to love once a upon a time.
