I lost my Dad on 19th November.

He had lung cancer and was put on end of life care in August. He fought so hard, no one could believe how strong he was. To go from seeing him fight like that and defying everything and everyone who said he didn't have long, to losing him within a day of being told he had 'days' really cripples me.

I am walking around feeling so much regret, anger, loss. Things I didn't say when I had the chance. Because I thought he was still going to be here. 

I am also struggling with seeing him on his last day. To me he seemed as though he was really suffering and panicking. He went downhill within a few hours. The Nurse said he wouldn't have been panicking, he would have been sedated and it just appears worse to us to see it but when he got the death rattle, he was trying to speak, clutching his throat. As if he was panicking that he couldn't breath. His chest etc building up with flem and it was as if he was trying to shout for help but couldn't. He was having sedative given to him almost every hour or so and it was as if he couldn't even move or speak enough to tell us. Does anyone know if that is the case? That it's worse for us to see and hear and for him he would have been calm or is that a lie? 

I was there right beside him when he took his last breath and I wasn't ready to lose him. I feel so so lost and upset and like I just want to rewind time just so that I can hold his hand and tell him I love him and know he can hear me. 

I have never really experienced anything like this or lost immediate family and I don't know how to cope.