I lost my wonderful husband to metastatic prostate cancer 3 weeks ago, we had been together 25 years and celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary just a month ago. We always knew that his time was limited, but he fought it and had 10 rounds of chemotherapy twice, which he sailed through with barely a side effect .  On the 3rd year of chemo he had 5 sessions and on the 6th session appointment they told him it was no longer working and they were withdrawing chemo, he was put on a hormone oral tablet to see if it would slow the spread, but he was truly devastated at not having chemo and he knew this was the beginning of the end, but honestly thought he had another 6-8 months.  6 weeks later his health took a nosedive 2 days after our wedding anniversary and his decline was so rapid I think I’m still in shock.

I nursed him at home as he didn’t want to die in hospital or the hospice, it was hard as I was doing it all alone. Eventually in his last 10 days we got carers and both district and hospice nurses calling in every day, but at night I was on my own to change him, adjust him in the bed and talk him down when the agitation and confusion kicked in. He was sleeping in a profiling bed downstairs and I stayed in there with him during the night, I was managing about 3 - 4 hours sleep and still had our 2 children to care for. I was exhausted physically and mentally, but I would give anything to go back and do it all over again, just so that I would still have him.

His death was awful, the sound of his breathing on that last day will never leave me. I had kept our children home from school that day as I knew something had changed and I was genuinely scared to leave his side, they knew too that the sounds their daddy was making wasn’t normal. I was trying to downplay it with them, but it was hard not to just cry in front of them.

The hospice nurse arrived to refill his syringe driver and she gave him injections for the secretions and we repositioned him, it helped a little, but by now he was just sleeping, not opening his eyes, not responding to me talking to him. I sat with him all morning and was holding his hand when the noise just stopped, he was totally silent and he was gone, just like that, the love of my life was gone. So fast and a bit unexpected as the hospice nurse had thought he might have another couple of days.

I am just a mess, I try to stay strong for our children, but I am falling apart inside, I cry over anything and everything, I am even more exhausted than I was as I’m not sleeping at night. As soon as I get into bed and turn off the light, I am crying again. I still haven’t cancelled his mobile phone, credit card or bank account as every time I pick up the phone to do it, I can’t. I can’t bring myself to end those parts of his life too, as stupid as it sounds, it makes it seem more final, eliminating his existence and I just can’t.  I have phoned his mobile countless times just to hear his voicemail message.

I know that I have to do these things, but I’m just not capable right now. His shoes are still sitting in the place where he took them off the last time he was able to wear them.  I feel overwhelmed and lonely, so very lonely. I have our fabulous children and I do have people around me, but I feel alone and empty and don’t think I will ever sleep properly or lose this brain fog.  

I am due to return to work in 2 weeks and financially, I have to, but the way I feel right now, I’m not sure how I will do this, I’m not sure how effective at my job I will actually be. I’m worrying about that, worrying about our children, worrying about Christmas and worrying about all the things I know that I have to do, but just seem incapable of. I’m scared of life just carrying on as it used to, but without him in it.

Please, someone tell me that this despair that I am feeling right now will ease a bit, please tell me that I will not always feel this lost and useless.