I lost my dear wife of 44 years on 1st August to Oesophageal cancer of which we had no warning signs other than she had been suffering from back pain for about a month ( result of a small muscle pull clearing up after a party). My life has been turned upside down in an instant. She was diagnosed on the Monday of that week, and passed on the Thursday night. My father had the same diagnosis years before and I knew from experience what was coming, but he had 18 months from diagnosis to passing. In my mind I was going to take her home to be comfortable, make memories and all the other stuff that flashes through your head when you get news of this kind. We had been there before as she had suffered from breast cancer twice before; the first one resulting in a lumpectomy ,and the second was more aggressive in her other breast which necessitated a mastectomy. She was dealt a raw deal as she was made redundant in March and took the decision to retire. 

We keep horses, which is as well in some ways as it gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. They have to be attended to, and it is currently my go to space, where I can cry, rant or whatever in private. They klnow something is wrong too - they are very perceptive and acting quite oddly with me. I just feel empty, as I'm sure all who are bereaved do. Its not the fact she has gone, but the speed of it. My las t words to her on Thursday evening were 'see you tomorrow'. if I had only known!