Hello,
My mother passed away from ovarian cancer on 7th June in a hospice. She'd been admitted for management of symptoms but her condition deteriorated really quickly. Prior to bring admitted to the hospice she returned from hospital after having a stent fitted and returned back to staying with my husband and I.
Whilst at mine I noticed she wasn't herself. She had a stoma but wasn't changing it. I tired to change it for her several times throught the day but she was insistent she wanted to do it but I was so concerned that this was out of character for her. She was also struggling to use her phone, to see the buttons and to hold it properly. I told her I was really concerned at her not being able to do things she could previously do without help but she was insistent that she was just really tired. I'd given birth a few days prior and suggested we arrange an appointment to speak to the hospice about how she's coping but she was insistent she was fine.
Things became a lot for me with a newborn and my mother becoming increasingly I'll and me not being able to look after her the way I did before. My husband helped where he could but I wanted to look after my mother. It got to a point where I became overwhelmed I walked out of the house and sat at a busstop for 15 minutes trying to figure out what to do because she kept telling me she was fine.
A palliative nurses happened to pop by and speak to my mum. I was momentarily out of the room when my mother agreed to go to a hospice to manage her symptoms.
The nurse called the following day to say a bed has been arranged and to be aware that my mother has a DNR and there's a potential she may stay until she passes.
After she was admitted her health begun to decline, she became less mobile and became frustrated she couldn't make it to the toilet. I'd cry because I couldn't help her since I had a c section and she really wanted to move. I spent several nights away from my newborn, it git to the stage where one nurse said I should really go home and spent more time with my daughter. She'd sleep a lot, sometimes she'd be coherent and other times she'd say things that didn't make any sense or she'd stare into a corber or look right through me. Sometimes I tred talking to her but she wouldn't reply. I'd go along with everything so as not to alarm her and to probably protect myself. She'd have lucid moments and at one point asked the doctors if she could come home which I also wanted.
She was on and off end of life care. Towards the end she lost all mobility, wasn't eating and drinking or talking. I'd visit her, hold her and and talk to her.
The day she died I was advised to stay over. I was on a small sofabed but left space between us in case the nurses needed to get to her. I was laying down and notice her breathing had changed, but the time I realised she'd taken I last breath before I could get to her to hold her hand. When I did get to her I kissed her face, tried to cuddle her and told her I loved her and thanked her for being my mother.
I wanted to lay in bed with her and hold her hand when she passed. Its killing me knowing I didn't. My mind keeps replaying it over and over again because that's not how I wanted her to go. In my arms holding my hand.
Im.so angry at the hodpice for telling me that was the best place for her and to welcome the restbite. I feel like they took the decision to have her home away from us
im angry witb her ongologist for her obstructive behaviour and lacklustre attitude regarding my mother. They said they'd follow up with her but I've heard nothing from them, not even a condolences text from them.
I feel like I'm going to be haunted by this forever. I loved my mother so much but feel like I let her down.
I know I'm in the midst of grief and I'm nit even sure why I'm posting this. I guess I want to know if anyone else has experienced anything similar.
Thank you x
