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We broke up due to my partners Cancer

Olivia.04
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Hi everyone, 

I (20) had previously made a post asking for advice on how to maintain my relationship with my boyfriend (21) who had been recently diagnosed with cancer, as so much had swiftly changed in our relationship and within his personality and demeanour and it was causing tension and some arguments. 

We ended up breaking up 2 weeks ago, he instigated it saying that he couldn’t handle the emotional responsibility of being in a relationship whilst also undergoing his cancer treatment, I completely respected him and even though it completely shattered my heart,  we broke up mutually, hugging, crying, kissing and telling each other how much we love each other and how different it would be had cancer never been a part of our lives. However we have still spoken every single day, multiple times throughout the day, since we ended and I can’t help but wonder if at some point we can hopefully get back together. 

He says that he loves speaking to me everyday and knowing what’s going on with my life, and would hate it if we went no contact, but it actually hurts me a lot having to interact with him in a surface level way. The conversations are strangely sterile and blunt but continue say in day out, always speaking matter of factually about what we have done that day, what we he ate for dinner, what my plans are for the next week etc. no pet names and no phone calls at all. A stark difference to the affectionate and passionate communication style we used to have. It hurts to receive those types of messages from him and have to reply toning down what I’d really like to say to him in order to fit this new “broken up” dynamic we have. 

We were together for a year before this and he is genuinely the most incredible person I know, he has a heart of gold and the most beautiful mind and kind soul. I completely adore him and I am still very very much in love with him, as he is with me he says. But anytime I bring up getting back together he says no. I, of course, respect him and his decision but I can’t understand why it is so unfathomable on his end for us to be together whilst he is undergoing treatment?
We love each other, we get along beautifully, we were soul mates and  best friends and lovers and have such a profound loving connection.

On my end the break up has been horrendous, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat without vomiting and I spend the majority of my days in bed all day crying my eyes out. Whilst he has chemo to focus on and his recovery, I feel as if I have been left behind in a way, I am trying my best to remain positive for him, reply to his messages everyday and be happy but it all feels so unfair, but that is cancer, it is unfair I know. But being broken up and not seeing my love feels like an added punishment in a way, already so much was taken away from us when he was diagnosed, holiday plans, dates, physicality etc but then on top of it to not have him in my life at all, it just feels like a stab to the heart and almost unnecessary pain added on top if that makes sense? If we both love each other still so so much and miss being with each other then why is he so reluctant to get back together or see each other in person at least? It hurts so much having to put a brave face on and act excited and happy for him when he says his friends are visiting him in hospital or going round to his house. But when it comes to me asking to visit I am met with an unenthusiastic, reluctant “I’m not sure, maybe, okay” if he loves me and misses me why wouldn’t he want to see me? 

I would so greatly appreciate if someone that maybe had a similar situation as my boyfriend could explain how they felt and what they were going through, as I have never suffered from cancer I can’t possibly understand his need for solitude, being in love for me is the most beautiful wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, if we both love each other and miss each other so much, what is stopping him from getting back into our relationship? 

Any advice would be very greatly appreciated,

many thanks, 

Olivia 

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    Hello Olivia, 

    It is really hard to know really what is in your boyfriend's mind and why he felt he needed to break up after he was diagnosed with cancer. It might be as you said that he couldn't handle being in a relationship whilst also undergoing his treatment, that he wanted to protect you from all this but I would not want to draw conclusions really - only he knows why he reacted in this way. It sounds like you still love each other very much as you are talking on the phone and you are being very supportive to him but it must be extremely painful for you to have to adapt to this new dynamic, the change of tone and it's important really that you yourself are happy with this. The break up seems to have affected you immensely and even though it's so nice of you to want to be there for him, I hope that you can feel better soon and regain your appetite and sleep properly again - you shouldn't be spending all your day in bed at such a young age feeling so sad and if you see that you are not feeling happier and continue to feel this way, I think it would be a good idea to get in touch with your GP and mention how down you've been since the breakup. 

    I hope that you will hear from other members of our forum who may have been in your boyfriend's position before and who may be able to offer insights into why he might have reacted in this way. Or there might be partners/boyfriends/girlfriends too who were in your position and feel they have been pushed away following a cancer diagnosis. 

    Keep strong Olivia and even though you seem to be a lovely caring person and have been there for him even after the break-up, don't forget to look after yourself and focus on feeling better following the shock of the break up. You need to focus on yourself first and foremost at the moment and make sure you don't suffer too much and that you find your inner happiness again despite everything you've been through recently. 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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