A little back story, I'm 25 a single mother to my nearly 7 year old son, wprking full time as a caregiver in the community. He's 36 no kids and a very high up job in a major photography company. Just before Christmas last year we started planning our lives together, building a home, travelling, and generally living a happy life together.

Well anyways we have been dating for 2 and a half years, he told about 6 to 8 months ago that he was going through cancer treatment, I'm not too sure which kind as he wouldn't tell me. But I do know it's how his mother died when he was young.

Over the last 6 months we have been quite rocky with constant arguing, he told me it was nothing to worry about and he was getting better. The thing is with his job also his life is more or less a secret to the point, he won't allow me to have his number to talk, right now we are emailing back and forth, no one really knows that we are together (his choice) i tried to respect his wishes but over time i hated that the relationship was so secretive, over time we started seeing eachother less and less, and i just thought ot was because he was too busy and didnt want to make any time for me, I now know this was not the case at all. 

Over time I have been feeling quite angry and upset, over all the secrets, I offered him everything I had, a home and a family, love and support for the rest of his life, to be strong when he needed it, he doesnt have family here, and very few friend, if that, minus his jub and treatments, im more or less all he has, at one point he even had keys to come round whenever he wanted. but he rejected me and brung the keys back. But then a week later he tells me he wants that, which has confused me alot.

Well the last 2 months we haven't really been talking, like at all and if we do, we are misreading each other to the point we are hostile towards each other. I know i sound selfish.

Last night again we were arguing (all over email), which he then tells me he has been in hospital for the last week, with his cancer being worse then ever, and said he wasn't going to make it until Christmas. Please also know, when he told me about this beforehand he didn't want me to come with him to the hospital or any of his appointment, although I asked to be there for him, I tried to the best I could, to the point he would allow me to be.

I'm absolutely devastated, and have not stopped crying since. I haven't slept, I feel sick to my stomach to think that he is going to die, and there is nothing I can do about it.

He also told me that he thought I would be there for him, which alone hurts, because I asked and asked him if I could be there and he kept telling me he didn't want to worry me and it was something he would deal with alone.

I dont even think i should be posting this, but now I'm just filled with so much anger and uncertainty. My heart is completely shattered, and I have absolutely no one to turn to, but one thing i do know, ive never loved anyone the way i love him.

I completely understand I'm even selfish for even feeling this way, but I feel like I physically can't help it, I love him and I know he loves me, but he keeps pushing me away, when I want to do is be there for him, then it turns into an argument.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm just feeling very much overwhelmed, angry, sad and tired. I want to help him and support him but I don't know how, and I now I dont even know if I can face him knowing he's going to die.

With my job, I've watched people die, over and over again, so it's not anything new to me, but it is so much harder when it's a loved one. 

And in the process I feel like I'm not being the best mother I possible can be and feel like I'm hurting my son because I feel so broken over the whole situation, like I cant even control my emotions right now.

I feel like with all the back and forth arguing, and me unable to be strong for him, I'm just hurting him even more and making him even sicker, and I just don't know what to do.

Thankyou for reading.