Hello Millie070 

I am so very sorry for the heartbreaking loss of your much loved husband, for all he went through, for all you and family went through, so devastating.  There are no words for the grief you are going through, I can feel so much of what you are going through.  Your loss was such a short while ago its so raw.  I lost my dad to esophagus cancer on Christmas Day 2014 aged 84 years.  Then toward the end of April my 2015 my soulmate, husband was diagnosed with Junctional Esophagus Cancer.  He passed away on the 10th September 2016.  We were married for 36 years.   He was aged 60.   He was my rock, my world, everything.  I miss him everyday more than words can say.    We had our first grandson born on 13th February 2016, my husband was devastated that he would not be here to watch and support him growing up and enjoy and share the precious gift of our grandson.  Some people said to me its get better.  They meant well but I would not say it gets better.  I would say slowly in your time and your own way you find ways of coping.  For me there are always sad days that come and go its the price we pay for love.  Im so glad you have supportive family and friends around you.  Our daughter and grandson is what helped me cope and keep going and my friends too.  We too had a wonderful hospice where my husband was for the last 21 days of his life.  They were truly amazing.  I dont know what we would have done without them.  When I look back I realise how much in denial I was about my husbands illness.  All the things you say resonate with me so much too.  The empty silent house, the things you did together, hearing things in the house, eating alone, everything.  The most important person in your life missing.  I had counselling with the hospice and also Cruse Bereavement counselling,    It helped me open up about what I was feeling.  This forum is appreciated too,  It helps you express your thoughts and to share them, to open up about all that you are going through. Sadly so many others here going through the same things and losing people they love so much.  I find it can be helpful and makes you feel a little less alone.  I worry like you about everything.  I still find it hard that this is now the new "normal"  I miss my husband every day and every night.  I dont know how to explain really, I was kept busy and are still busy with my now two grandsons and daughter, without them I just dont know,  I have wonderful friends I enjoy spending time with and do lots of things with.  I enjoy days out, holidays, time spent with my family and friends but I still miss and always will my husband.  I always say he will never be gone, everything we do in life, we take my husband, dad and grandad with us.  I talk to him all the time.  I know he would want me to be happy and live, its hard without him, but we live for him too now.  I dont think im expressing things well.  Im sending you huge hugsm take it a day at a time, reaching out to your familym friends and on this forum too, others will come along and be of comfort and help.  So sorry for your loss take care xx

Thank you so much for your reply. With this cancer there was no warning or symptoms until near the end and then it accelerated so fast. It is helpful to hear others who have been through the same thing. 

My dad was told yesterday that he has Esophageal Cancer. I was with him when the consultant told him the news after seeing a cancerous tumor after his endoscopy. He had his CT scan today to see how far gone he is. Now we have to wait.  I’m aware that once the symptoms show it’s usually too late. He also has a hiatus hernia which could have hidden his cancer symptoms for some time. 
He’s only 68, non smoker and rarely drinks. Always trained and been very fit. It’s unfair to say the least and I’m absolutely devastated. He’s my hero.