My mum

Hi, I’m new here. Two weeks ago my mum went into hospital. She had been waiting for a gyne appointment since November. But two weeks ago was in so much pain drs called an ambulance. She had scans and blood tests and it was found that she had cancer. A 15cm mass in one ovary. That had ruptured the ovary.  The cancer had already spread to her bones and blood. She had days to live. She was lucid at that time but within days she was no longer my mum. I stayed with her because I didn’t want her to be alone or die alone. Within a week she had kidney failure. Blood clots in both lungs. And several infections in her body. She began to throw up black fluid. This lasted for several more days. Until she had a tube put into her nose. One in her throat. It was horrific. I could not let her be alone because she had never once let me be alone. Two days ago she passed away. I’m so angry. So many times we tried to get a dr to see her about the waiting list it gyne. Because her symptoms were worsening. But it seemed nobody would listen. We couldn’t even get an appointment. And now she is just gone. She suffered. It was horrific. Four times the battery went in her syringe driver and she was left without pain relief for over an hour each time. She was screaming. I can’t make myself believe she has passed away. I cannot get the images of the past week of her life out of my head. I’m just sat. In complete disbelief. 

  • Hello , hope you're feeling a little better from writing stuff down at the very least. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Must feel so frustrating and be full of all sorts emotions after this happening.  If you ever want to talk about it or anything about it in general then I'm here to listen if you wanted to. 

    I'm only saying this because someone was kind enough to reach out to me and offer support and I wish I had spoken to someone sooner. I'm not really great at giving advice or anything but  willing to talk through stuff with you if you need or want it. 

  • Offline in reply to Jd1991

    Thank you. I’m so sorry, I only just saw your response. I think I’m just in shock. It doesn’t seem like she’s really gone. It happened so fast. When she went to the hospital we didn’t know she had cancer. Once she was in hospital she deteriorated within a couple of days to the point she couldn’t speak anymore. I hope she could hear me. I hope she knew I was there so she knew she wasn’t alone. I just kept telling her that it I loved her. Holding her hand. Wiping her face for her. Saying things that I thought would comfort her. I talked to her about all of our memories. About my children. She wasn’t answering me but I just thought, if she can hear me then she will feel a bit of comfort. Her drs told me that she could hear me. She just couldn’t answer me. I keep going to text her because I am used to talking to her all day every day. The last three days of her life were horrendous. I feel so guilty because I couldn’t do anything to make it any easier or less painful for her. 

  • Offline in reply to Jode89

    Don't need to say sorry obviously. I bet it did just go so fast and you'll still be processing alot of It all. Only thing you should try take like comfort in is that she didn't have a long battle with it, it doesn't make the loss easier but at least she didnt have all the worry about it , but like I said it doesn't make the loss any easier. She definetly would've heard you and knew you were there and it made her last few days a million times easier having you there and heading your voice. 

    I've heard the guilt is really common and have felt it alot myself too, but try not feel guilty about something that's out of your control . But like I said, you made it easier for her just by being there. If you feel like texting her you should just text her , even if it's just something silly or whatever. Hope today is a better day than yesterday for you x 

  • Offline in reply to Jd1991

    Sorry I haven’t been online for a couple of days. I don’t know what I’m doing really. I just have to try and put on foot in front of the other. Your name threw me, you won’t believe this. But my nans initials were JD. I couldn’t believe it when I saw your name. X

  • Offline in reply to Jode89

    I just wanted to add. She was my nan. But we all called her my ‘mum nan’ because she was a mum to me. She always said she was my mum. She took care of me as I don’t see my parents at all. So I named my post my mum. But I sometimes say Nan. I didn’t explain that in my original post. But I just said Nan in my reply. Then realised I hadn’t actually explained that she was my 'mum Nan’

  • Offline in reply to Jode89

    It really is a big thing to try process. Do you have close friends you can talk to about it all? I'm sorry if the initials of your mum nan threw you off a bit, hopefully it brought you some comfort in a strange way.  I'm not in a habit of replying or talking on here so maybe I was supposed to message you because of the initials or something. 

    Your bound to be feeling really numb but it's important you take care of yourself and your kind to yourself through the hard times. If you feel like crying then let it all out. It really helps relief some of the feelings you'll be having.