Ells1234, I feel your pain I lost my mum on 3rd March to lung cancer. I am trying to navigate all my feeling  and that of my 3 children. I am 39 my mum only 68 when she passed and I have been angry thinking why her she had so much to live for . My dad is coping but I feel this is all new emotions and we are both trying to get through each day. 
I was with my mum and afterwards thought I’m ok she isn’t in pain now and she is at peace. I got through the funeral and then life went back to normal but it isn’t normal for me! And I get how your feeling it feels like my whole life and changed and shifted but not for the better.

Hello Ells1234 and Angelsands.

Firstly I am sorry for the loss of both of your Mothers may they both rest in peace. 
I feel your pain I understand your pain! 
I lost my Father January this year my heart is in pieces, I currently have nobody to talk to.

My Father was 62 and was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer in 2022. He was terminal for diagnoses. He was place on Chemo and immune therapy which had to many side effect to continue, later was place on a genetic chemo tablet which the first 2/5 month shrunk the main cancer by 50%. He was living life and going with the flow up until November 2023 when he started to become unwell, lots of infection which he didn’t suffer with before many hospital visit. 2/12/23 he was in hospital for 1 day sent home with antibiotics and home oxygen was delivered nobody at this point told us how ill he was, it’s only looking back we can now see (He was very good as most parents/grandparent binding the problems) New Year’s Eve I had to rush him in to the hospital where the team on resus that night was amazing and told me how poorly he was. From that night he was placed on a ward I spoke with doctors the next morning to ask about hospice care home care options etc, all I kept being told was we are not there yet. 36 hours after the “we are not there yet conversation” with his doctor on the ward we was there! Palliative care was in full effect with a morphine pack. To unwell to be moved anywhere he wanted to go home, My father went from joking about on is high flow machine to asleep on morphine and the early hours on the 5/1/24 passed away! I stayed with him from the 31/12/23 - 5/1/24 I am glad the only time I left his side was for the bathroom. I was so scared for him to be alone for even a second. Typing this I have tears down my face.

I feel Angry and upset everyday over some of the medical aspect and also I am angry with myself for not getting him home. My Father was my best friend I spoke to him every single day of my life truly. Most decisions I made in my life I ran passed my Father for his thoughts/advice/options. My world has crashed and I feel like I get on with the day for other people because I have been labeled the strong one, the cold one, the one who fixes all for other people. 

My Father was my person and now I am alone. 

Yes that’s exactly how I feel. My mum was my go to person and I just can’t get over that. My kids have had nana in their lives for ever and now nothing! That’s what hurts. 
 
I feel myself thinking why not you! And that’s not nice but I think my mum had so much to live for. 
 I have to catch myself and tell myself I’m not a nasty person I don’t really wish that on anyone.._

I just want my mum.  

and I think we all feel the same, life isn’t fair but what option do we have…

Thanks for the reply Angelsands.

I don’t think we will ever get over it but in time we learn to live with it but it’s just so raw. 

I understand your thoughts and no they are not nice and no you would really wish upon anybody but them thought to come and you can’t stop it. 

How are old are your children if you don’t mind me asking 

I have a 17 year old that doesn’t want to talk, a 14 year old that wears his heart on his sleeve and 8 year old that doesn’t understand x