I'm so sorry you're feeling so alone Jd1991 but I hope having a safe place where you can share how you are feeling with others who will understand what you're going through can offer some comfort to you at this time.

I'm not sure if you have looked in to or thought about bereavement support, but this may be something that could help you find a way to cope during these really difficult moments. 

Hopefully some of our members will be along soon, but I just wanted to reply to let you know your post has been seen and that we are thinking of you.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi JD1991.

My name is Soph,

I am so sorry for your loss may your loved one be in peace.

I am available to talk to if you wish.

Best wishes 

I'm so sorry for your loss Jd1991. I hope you are managing okay. Please post again if you feel like it, we are here to listen.

Honestly been a rollercoaster week..just in bits. Hadn't cried in a while then been crying for literally hours. I would do anything to hear her voice again just one more time. 

I'm so so sorry. Please know you're not alone, even though it feels like it sometimes. My dad died almost 2 months so not far behind you and I'm so up and down - some days I'm okay and fine, and other times I just can't stop crying. Sometimes it's so painful to think about him but I don't want to not do that either. I've found writing everything down (even completely incoherently) has helped me to feel close to him. Do you have any photos, or special place or music you could go to or listen to? Though I know that may be too much as well right now. Just sending you a lot of hugs right now.

I'm really for your loss too. I just had a look at your post aswell. Yeah seems like we both lost someone around the same time. It does hurt to think of them doesn't it? I don't really ever stop thinking about it and I was like that before she even passed. Going from speaking to someone every day to just nothing really sucks. I know what you mean about not wanting to not think about them, I start to feel guilty when o feel like I've done something not involving thinking about her. I do write stuff down and have some photos of us together. I have a bottle of her perfume that some days sets me off for better and sometimes for worse and I never know how it's going to make me feel before I have a smell of it. 

I could really go a hug right now so that means alot. Sending you loads back aswell. You're welcome to write about any of your feelings and whatever is on your mind and I'll be here to listen. 

Thank you, that's really kind. Yeah totally, I keep thinking, oh I better tell my dad that, he'd find that funny, or whatever, and it's just so *** every time. I really miss the conversations that we can't have. He lived quite far away so we spoke on the phone a lot, and I just find myself at such a loss when I have free time that I would have used to call him. I know what you mean about it being before too, my dad was ill for a long time before he passed so it was always on my mind back then too. Now it's like an empty place in my life that I don't want at all, I just want him back. Thanks for the hugs too. Hope you're okay. 

Aw yeah I know how you mean about something funny. I tripped 3 times the other day and I can just imagine how much she would wind me up about how clumsy I am or something. And a funny video came up and I even went to copy the URL to send it then got a big lump in my throat when I realised. Maybe you living as far away gave you both more time to talk of that makes sense. I think people are in a habit of not talking when they are just around the corner. I have family 2 streets away and I don't see them that often..one day we will be able to think about our loved ones and not get that horrible feeling in our stomachs! I seen a video a long time ago before I went through this. And it basically said that grief can be seen as something good. Like a reminder that we got to love someone as much as we do. I can't remember how it was worded. The guy was saying that he didn't want to let go of his grief and that he was thankful for it. (Probably said that backwards and upside down) 

I feel so lucky that I got to love her and tell her and show her. 

That's really lovely. What a nice sentiment, I'm going to remember that. We are definitely lucky to have had the time that we had, even though it'll never be enough. It's good to remember that! I think you're right, having that distance meant we knew the time was precious so we each said what we needed to say, and ended each call with, I love you. What can we do but remember all the love. 

This beautiful poem gives me comfort whenever I feel sad about all the people I have lost:

 "Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep, I am the thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow, I am the sun on ripened grain, I am the gentle Autumn rain.  When you awake in the morning's hush, I am the swift up-lifting rush, of quiet birds in circled flight, I am the stars that shine at night.  Do not stand at my grave and cry.....I am not there, I did not die".