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Helping my dad after his wife passed away

han23
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hello all... I don't really know what to say. Or if anyone will even read this!! But I am in need of help!

My wonderful Mum died quite suddenly of cancer in December 2017. I believe she was ill for a month or two (it was kept a secret at first) but then she hit a decline and passed away.

We as a family, my Mum, my Dad, sister and me were all really close as a family and always had been, so when she died it was catastrophic. 

My sister had not long had a baby, so I took time off work to care for mum with my dad before she died. Afterwards, I stayed with my dad in the family home to help him prepare for the funeral and helped with other necessities that come after someone had passed away.

After 6 months I went back to work. I found it hard to leave my dad as he was now alone inside the house he shared with his wife. 

Since then, he has taken to drinking and let the home decline. He doesn't seem to be looking after himself at all. My sister and I have approached this with him in a number of ways, however he just seems to accept that this is now the way he is and if he dies he dies. 

We don't want that!! He has two beautiful grandchildren that he dotes after.. and we want him to be around as long as possible for them too!!

He uses his time by painting and working on the garden, but his house is a mess and not safe for the grandkids to visit, and he wants to host meals but he is shaking, tools everywhere... its not nice.

I LOVE cleaning and so does my sister and we have offered to do it head to toe, he says no. I said I would pay for a cleaner but he doesn't want a stranger in the house.. We have said does he want to downsize he says no (understandable) but it a 4 bed house and its so big!

PLEASE....can someone, anyone help as to how to approach this.. he agrees with me at the time that he needs to change or get help but nothing happens.  

Any guidance would be amazing.

Thank you 

  • A very warm welcome to the forum Han23 although I'm very sorry to hear of your mum's passing and how tough life has been for you, your sister and your dad. It must be very worrying to see him like this.

    If your dad is finding it difficult to talk to you or your sister, you could suggest he talks to Cruse, his GP or another health professional. There is some really helpful information on the CRUSE website and they also have a helpline he can call but if you think he might be reluctant to seek help himself then you can call them on his behalf.

    Offering to help with practical things can be really helpful when someone is grieving, but can also be overwhelming so be patient. It just might take him a while to feel ready to accept help. There is no set timeline or set stages for grief however if your dad remains unable to cope with everyday life he may need extra support, so it would be worth encouraging him to call the Cruse helpline himself or he can search for their local branch.

    It is common for people to feel that they don’t want to go on living after someone very precious to them dies but evidence shows that asking someone about suicidal feelings is likely to protect them. I know this will be a very tricky subject to discuss but Samaritans have some really useful information on how to support someone who might feel suicidal on their website.

    If possible, it would probably be helpful for your dad to make a GP appointment as well. Sometimes short term medication can help and the GP will also be able to help your dad with getting ongoing support and if necessary make a referral to social services. If he can’t be persuaded to speak to his GP then you could always write to them explaining what is happening. Sometimes the GP will contact the patient on the pretext of needing them to pop in for a check up and then use the opportunity to find out what is going on and what they can do to help.

    Hopefully some of our members who have been in a similar position with their loved ones will offer their thoughts and advice to you soon but I do hope the information I've provided will be a good starting point.
    Kind regards, 
    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

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