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New member looking for support after losing my dad 4 years ago

Bellalindax
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Hello, I am new to this forum. Not too sure what to say but I guess I would just like to speak to people who can relate.

I lost my dad 4years ago to cancer. It was a very traumatic experience (I am comfortable speaking about it though.)

The time hasn't helped at all, I still miss him and am broken every single day, and I still have the same trauma/flashbacks as if it just happened yesterday. At the same time it also feels like a life time ago since I saw him. I panic at life without him, thinking of all the memories we won't make, feeling depressed over experiences we won't have together.

He wasn't just a dad, we were best friends, together every day and the best person I will ever know in my life and I am truly broken after losing him. The saying 'a piece of you dies when they do' is certainly true.

The suffering he went through haunts me every day. It's something I struggle with most is thinking of the mental torture he must have went through getting that terminal death sentance - 'weeks'. I will never get over that day. He was so loved and his only worry was ever his family.

I hate life without him and feel I just force myself to get up in auto pilot every day, mentally drained and doubtful of life ever being good again. 

I don't have many friends or family around me who I can speak to or who can relate to how I feel. I feel like I need to hold back about certain things to do with his illness and people who haven't experienced a cancer loss don't quite understand how brutal it is and how much it impacts your life.

If anyone would like to chat or share their story please feel free .

♡

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    Hello Bellalindax, 

    A big welcome to Cancer Chat! 

    I am so sorry for your loss - it sounds like it was a very traumatic experience and thank you for having the courage to share your story with us. It must be so hard and exhausting for you if time hasn't helped you heal a little and it is all still as vivid as if it had happened yesterday. You seem to have had such a special bond with your dad so it must be incredibly painful for you at the moment. Coping with grief is by no means easy and we all grieve differently - there is no right way or wrong way nor the same grieving timeframe for everyone. What you need the most at the moment is support and I am sorry that you are don't have many friends or family around you to help you deal with these intense emotions.  You are right when you say that people who haven't experienced loss won't be able to understand fully how you are feeling and how overwhelming it can be which is why coming here will allow you to talk to others who have also experienced the loss of a loved one due to cancer. Even though you have never met the people who may respond to your thread, they will understand you sometimes better than some of your friends or relatives because they have been through something very similar. I will let them come and say hello and share their story with you. 

    Given that you have been feeling like this for 4 years now, I think it would be a good idea if you haven't done so already to talk to your GP about how you are feeling. Your doctor will be able to help you and point you in the right direction suggesting for example grief counselling which could help you at this stage. The NHS has a useful page on the subject of grief after bereavement or loss and it mentions 'prolonged grief' or 'complicated grief' which is characterized by grief that can last years and be very intense following what was often a traumatic experience. It does mention that in this case it is important to see your GP so I hope that you will talk to your doctor soon as I am sure they will be able to help you feel gradually better. Another great resource I wanted to share with you is Cruse Bereavement Support - don't hesitate to have a look at their website and they also have a helpline you can ring if you want to talk to someone. 

    We're thinking of you during this difficult time and wanted you to know that the forum is there for you for support anytime you need to talk. 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hi Bellalindax,

    I just joined today and saw your post. Really sorry to hear and read your story. My dad passed away recently from bowel cancer. I had to move in with him and became his full time carer whilst working full time. I still care for my elderly mum and still live with her as she is 82 and has lot of health  needs. 

    I’m struggling to deal with it myself so I know how you feel. I feel Numb and still can’t believe he’s died. His clothes are still hanging in his room, hospital bed in the house is empty, food still in the fridge, the list goes on. 

    I’m not a counsellor but can only offer advice from my experience. Is there something you can do to honour your dad’s legacy or memory? Think of something positive rather than the traumatic death etc? You say you were best friends - you must have lots of memories of him and positive stories? 

    im thinking of donating monthly to an overseas school where my dad use to teach to honour him as I know the school was close to his heart. 

    do you have siblings? Can you speak with them or meet up and go through old pics etc and talk about him?

    try to think happy times and memories with him over the negative. You can’t change the past but you can and must move forward. 

    Losing a parent is awful especially if you were really close. I miss my dad dearly. I’m crying whilst writing this, it’s hard. Just do whatever makes you feel good or happy. Keep his memory alive. 

    Sending you strength, positive vibes and love 

    Ash :-)

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